Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, June 21, 1990                   TAG: 9006200173
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BENNIE GOES AND GETS OLD-FASHIONED ON US ONCE AGAIN

You know what that is, Bertram. It's a phone you reall dial

So, we had this discussion at the office recently, during which I was told that the older the 20th century gets, the more I live in the 19th.

I said, well, you just imagine Mike Hammer or Sam Spade using one of those effete things.

I was told that everybody has one or more push-button phones, and that there are certain things you can do with them that a rotary telephone can't possibly do.

These include punching in your Social Security number to find out the status of your income-tax refund. I did this once on an office phone and it made me nervous.

I am also told that you need a push-button phone to punch up the number for certain young women named Nikki.

This, as you might imagine, is not like calling your Aunt Zelda to see if her back is still out from planting all those begonias last Sunday after church.

It also costs an awful lot of money - not that I have ever punched Nikki's number, you understand.

I believe I can do without these two services very well, thank you.

But it is true that I resist change. There are good reasons for this.

The other day, something got punched wrong on my computer keyboard, and I think I put myself in a position to alert several missile silos.

The computer expert who got me out of this weird mode didn't say much, but he looked a little pale when he found out what I had done by hitting the wrong succession of keys.

I am not worried about my fixation with leaving things the way they are.

I don't care if people talk about us behind our backs, simply because we have a rotary phone:

"Well, if you ask me, Vernon, those two are simply out of the picture. I'd like to get down into the basement. I'll bet she's got a washing machine with a hand-operated wringer on it."

Actually, our washer and dryer are relatively modern.

I don't know which buttons to push on these machines to make them wash and dry.

I am, however, quite accomplished on your average washboard. I always say give me a cake of lye soap and a washboard and you'll see some good old knuckle-busting laundering.

If you have never heard of lye soap you should be interested enough in the history of this country to look it up.

I can tell you this much, though: My mother would have washed out Nikki's mouth with it.