Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, March 7, 1991                   TAG: 9103070028
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: MARY JO KOCHAKIAN/ THE HARTFORD COURANT
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

SOME PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGES ARE A MATTER OF TIME

He is lonely. He wishes his wife would keep him company more often. She is lonely. She hates sleeping alone. And they are angry. She thinks that he prefers TV to her company. He thinks that she is boring. They both think they are stuck with somebody who's selfish.

That is the picture of a typical "dysynchronous" couple - partners who have different sleep cycles, according to researchers who published a study in a recent issue of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

Couples "quite often talk about it as being a problem, but they attribute the source of the problem to their partner's attitude or personality," says Russell Crane, a marriage and family therapist at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.

When "morning people" - folks who reach their peak energy early in the day - marry "night people" who aren't at their best until late, it can cause serious marital strain, scientists say. The researchers - Crane; marriage and family therapist Jeffry H. Larson, also of Brigham Young University; and Craig W. Smith of the University of Nebraska - studied 150 couples. Those whose sleep cycles were mismatched reported more troubled marriages - more arguments, criticism, less time in serious conversation, less time doing things together and less sex. They spent less time together - by as much as 45 percent.

Before marriage, couples typically do not realize their sleep cycles will be a problem, Larson says. "When you're young and in love, you go out and have a good time. Then, after they get married, they settle down to the patterns they're used to. And then it comes out."

The discord, of course, cannot always be attributed to sleep cycles. A couple might not talk because they haven't anything to say. One spouse might deliberately stay up late to avoid sex.

There are symptoms of a sleep-cycle mismatch, though: complaints of loneliness relating to separate bedtimes; complaints that a spouse is too energetic or busy while the other is trying to relax; feeling that there never is time to have a serious discussion; infrequent sex without other indications of sexual problems; complaints of a partner's moodiness, especially in late evening or early morning; and few shared activities, although the couple enjoys doing things together.

Couples who communicate well and are flexible may be able to work around the differences. Others need some help.

Crane has counseled one mismatched couple who "had a hard time understanding their differences. . . . What we had to do with them is plot their normal, most active and most quiet times, and show how different they were and how they had to take that into consideration. It wasn't possible for her to stay up until 1 or 2, and it really wasn't possible for him to go to bed at 10."

The authors have this advice for mismatched couples:

Don't expect your partner to change his or her sleep schedule much. Research indicates that there isn't much room for change - only about 1 1/2 hours. And any change must be gradual. Don't try shifting the schedule more than half an hour at first.

Compromise. When you make plans to go out, allow enough time to get home early.

Look to friends. Some couples have to get away from the idea that a spouse has to constantly be a companion. "They think they ought to be able to do everything with their partner - that person has to fulfill all your needs, and ought to be your best friend," Larson says. It makes more sense, if you like to run in the morning, to find a friend to go with, instead of trying to pry a miserable spouse out of bed.

Schedule a certain time to be together and to talk.

Having a mismatch of sleep cycles can be an advantage in ways, the researchers say. When children are young and wake up early, it works out well if one parent can get up with them, leaving the other to rest.

"The most important thing is to learn to stop punishing your partner for the difference," Crane says.