IT'S HARD TO WASH YOUR HANDS OF THIS SICKNESS

                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, February 27, 1992                   TAG: 9202270275
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium
IT'S HARD TO WASH YOUR HANDS OF THIS SICKNESS
As we all know, this has been a season of terrible illnesses that cause people to be off from work for days.
This has raised a social problem I think we ought to discuss right now.
All of you snooty people who want to talk about what is going to happen when Mikhail Gorbachev visits Ronald Reagan can just leave.
I'll say here, though, that it will be interesting if Raisa and Nancy get stressed out and scratch each other's eyes out.
The meeting is supposed to be at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Libary in California - which means that anything can happen, including special showings of "Bedtime for Bonzo."
But let's get back to our problem.
You know how it is. Finley, your deskmate, comes down with some awful affliction and is off for a week.
When Finley returns, he looks like one of the extras in "Night of the Living Dead" - which is what I looked like when I came back, except I was a trifle fleshy for a zombie.
You certainly can't say to Finley: "Wowie howie, Finley, you look terrible. Are you sure you aren't contagious? I bet you got some dandy plague sores. Boy, I hope you got a will, son."
No. What you have to do is shake Finley's hand, although he may still be contagious, and say: "Welcome back, old fellow. I can see you're your old dynamic self again, and I know that management is pleased that you are back on board."
In such cases, you should be careful not to let Finley see you race to the men's room, where you scrub your hands with harsh chemicals to kill the germs.
It's probably worse if Finley, after a week of calling in so sick you can hear his death rattles across the room, comes back looking like he did when he was a freshman in college.
You certainly don't go up to him and say: "Finley, you wily fox, you. You just got a week off at company expense, right? Hey, pal, how much did it cost to get the dancing girls in, huh?"
No. You comment instead on how very effective these new drugs can be, and to assure Finley you don't think he's a cheater, you shake hands with him. Then, it's back to the harsh chemicals in the men's room.
I hope you'll pay attention to what I've said here, and when your deskmate gets back from the outer limits you'll be kind.
That's more than I got. When I returned to the office, everybody said I had survived the only disease in the world with calories in it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm due in the men's bathroom. This thing's made a compulsive handwasher out of me.

by Bhavesh Jinadra by CNB