Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, January 6, 1993 TAG: 9301060245
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: B-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ed Shamy/staff
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
ADVICE FROM A COMPANY THAT CARES
Corporations are people, too. They want to be loved by their own employees (enhances productivity), and a common ploy to foster the warm fuzzies is to cast the company as a family - caring and comforting. It's tough to pull off, because corporations are also places where competitors' demises are daily prayed for and employees are fired, laid off or otherwise dispensed with as the profit margin dictates.First Union Corp., the Charlotte megabank which is in the process of buying Dominion Bank, is courting its own people.
In a packet of information distributed to employees - including 3,700 of 5,000 Dominion employees likely to be retained when the banks legally mingle - First Union includes its "employee assistance program." This includes 77 ideas for self-nurturing activities, 39 of which are additionally noted as free.
They are all classics, scraped off the grass when Woodstock broke up, recycled into a Leo Buscaglia I-love-me book, folded into an Iron John group encounter, sprinkled liberally on the harmonic convergence, stashed in a commune and shelved for eventual resurrection by First Union.
Here we share with you First Union's honest-to-Pete suggestions to its employees. At no extra charge, I follow each with my own list for the not-so-lucky Dominion 1,300 - the men and women who weren't invited to don the First Union green and white when the buyout is complete.
#2: On the First Union list: "Enjoy a long, warm bubble bath." (This one is not listed as free.)
#2: This one for merger victims: Spend another half-hour on the bowl this morning - no rush to get to work.
#9: "Practice diaphagmatic [sic] breathing."
#9: Figure out what diaphragmatic breathing is. Get a medical degree while you're at it.
#12: "Watch the sunset/sunrise." (Free.)
#12: Wonder if the sun will ever rise again.
#27: "Learn a new skill."
#27: Learn a new skill.
#31: "Make myself a nutritious meal."
#31: Convince myself that reused coffee grounds make good java.
#35: "Visit a special place I enjoy."
#35: Visit the Virginia Employment Commission.
#41: "Enjoy a relaxing nap."
#41: Sleep all goshdurned day if I want to.
#45: "Enjoy a cool, refreshing glass of water or fruit juice."
# 45: Enjoy a glass of fermented fruit beverage.
#50: "Window shop."
#50: Remember when you could afford to shop.
#51: "Daydream."
#51: Accept that this nightmare is real.
#59: "Pet an animal."
#59: Even the lowliest mutt can be a rich source of protein.
#64: "RELAX: watch the clouds."
#64: Here in the trailer park, we keep a wary eye out for funnel clouds.
#74: "Practice the art of forgiveness."
#74: Nah.