Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, June 17, 1993 TAG: 9306220083
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Beth Macy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
This isn't a statement of my longing for a former beau, just an exploration of the concept - of the little, good things we take with us from those former big, bad relationships.
For me, it all cooks down to Egg Glop. Simply dice an onion and a few (pre-boiled) potatoes and fry them in butter, then add a few whisked eggs with a little milk, and grated cheddar cheese.
For a health-food version of this: sprinkle sunflower seeds on top.
It's a hearty all-around breakfast dish - and one of the first things I ever learned how to fix that wasn't from a box or can. Although I've modified it quite a bit over the past eight years - sometimes adding hot-pepper vinegar to the frying potatoes, or salsa on top of the eggs - full credit for the feast goes to an ex-beau named Bill.
It doesn't matter how bad it got with Bill, at least I still have my Egg Glop.
We all have Bills in our past, the ex who taught us how to change the oil in our cars - and we think of him every 3,000 miles, or when a certain sappy song comes on the radio. We'll think of him forever this way, when those certain windows of memory are cracked open, if only for an instant.
For one 30-something Roanoke guy, it all flushes down to the ring issue . . . the ring around the toilet.
"It's a guy thing, I guess," he concedes, "but before [insert ex-girlfriend's name here], the toilet was never really something you looked at. You might have cleaned it to get your security deposit back, but that was it."
Even though the romance has long since dulled, his bowl's still sparkling.
I polled some other friends, who came up with the following helpful hints - all tidbits passed on by past beaus, girlfriends or spouses:
Wash the dishes with those little dish-scrubby things that have the soap in the handle.
Never run over a bag in the middle of the road; you never know what's inside.
The easy way to calculate tips, based on taking 10 percent of the total, then adding half of that to get 15 percent.
When dealing with faucets, screws, jars, etc., always remember - righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
The healing qualities of Neosporin.
It doesn't matter how much skinnier or lighter in weight the woman is than the man, his shorts are always going to fit her tight around the butt.
Glacier glasses are great at the beach.
Zucchini rotting on the kitchen counter can be performance art.
It's an impressive beginning, sort of the golden rules of relationships gone sour: Egg Glop for breakfast. Clean the toilet. Never run over a paper bag. Watch the mold grow on your zukes.
And now it's your turn. Share with us your Ex-Examples by leaving a message on my voice mail at 981-3435. (I will protect the identity of all callers and ex-es, but please leave your name and number in case I have a question.) And nothing kinky - puh-leeze.
Maybe I'll get another column out of it. Or maybe I'll send it in to the writers of "Seinfeld," the hit television show about nothing - but the little quirks of single life.
I can see the set-up now. Elaine and Jerry and Kramer and George sitting in Jerry's living room, eating Jerry's Egg Glop. George would wax neurotic about the dangers of hair on the toilet seat. Elaine would be wearing glacier glasses, creating a sexual tension because Jerry gave her the sunglasses tip during their last vacation together at the Catskills.
And Kramer would burst in through the door with a giant rotting zucchini. The camera would zoom in for a close-up revealing a psychedelic mold pattern.
\ Beth Macy, a features department staff writer, also has an impressive collection of ex-boyfriends' T-shirts that come in handy for workouts at the Y. Her column runs Thursdays.
by CNB