Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 12, 1993                   TAG: 9307110006
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: 
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THE HEAT'S GETTING TO `BIG DADDY'

I had just alit from the Cherokee - which is notorious for its lack of air conditioning - when this latest attack occurred. For the record, it was the first Big Daddy attack since I semi-retired.

"Git outta mah way, yew mizzuble annymull," I said to my dog Millie. "Or yoah body's gonna know whut it is tuh git a good kickin', and thet's th' trooth."

(You can see how bad this attack was. I usually call Millie cute little nicknames, like, I am ashamed to report, "Baby Dog.")

"Whuh's thet no-good woman?" I asked, unable to stop myself. "If theah's one thang Ah cain't uhbide, it's some blamed woman thet ain't aroun' when huh man cums home. She oughta be heah rat now, fannin' mah brow 'n fixin' me uh jewlup."

"You know what you can do with your brow and your fan and your julep," said the greatest station wagon driver of them, emerging from the basement with a basket of laundry.

"Lissun heah, woman," I said. "Ah don't need no sass frum yew. Ah'm hot. Ah'm hungry as uh hawg. And Ah'm gittin' tuh be un old man befoah mah time. Now git in thet kitchen theah and fix me up sum vittles 'less yew doan keer tew much about gittin' thowed down th' cellah steps by th' hairah of yoah haid."

"It's 10 a.m., you crazy old fossil," the driver said. "It's not time to eat or drink booze."

"Thet doan mek no diff'runce tuh me, old woman," I said. "Ah doan keer whut th' time is. Ah'm hongry as ary danged hawg and Ah reckon Ah'd best be fed lest Ah go in theah and git my hawse whip and restoah some ordah in this heah household.

"Wheah's thet hawse whip? Wheah's mah jewlup?"

"I wish you wouldn't do this every time it gets hot," the driver said. "Why can't you be like other old fossils and sit under the fan and drink iced tea?"

"Doan be tellin' Big Daddy heah to go 'round drinkin' that low-caloree stuff yew call ahced tea," I said. "Ah'd jist as soon drink ditch watah, if yew must know th' trooth. This heah is jewlup weathah, woman, an' Ah figger it must be five o'clock somewheah.

"Wheah's thet silvah jewlup cup thet belonged to mah gret grandpaw?"

The driver cracked at last.

"If Big Daddy doan stop all this heah trash, Ah'm gonna tek his old Lewis-Ville Slugguh tuh th' side uv his haid," she said.

That snapped me out of it.

"Gracious," I said. "Where have I been? May I have some of that delicious low-calorie tea of yours, my pet?"