Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, October 26, 1993 TAG: 9310260042
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-1 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: By KATHY LOAN staff writer
DATELINE: RADFORD LENGTH: Medium
But if she cuts her hair shorter than he likes, or stays out with a friend longer than he thinks necessary, or spends too much money on a shopping trip, his actions don't speak of love.
There are the cutting remarks.
There is the silence.
Sometimes, there's her.
But she stays. Because she loves him. And he's not always like this.
"Loving" someone is hard to define. It's sometimes confused with taking care of somebody and feeling needed, said Mary Beth Pulsifer, domestic violence program coordinator at the Women's Resource Center of the New River Valley.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Virginia.
"Women genuinely do love their partners." And, Pulsifer said, probably most of the time abusive men are not abusive.
Instead, there is a cycle of violence.
There is the build-up of anger; a blow-up, and then a honeymoon stage.
When women decide they can't live with their domestic partners anymore, the Women's Resource Center is there to help.
But it's a difficult transition - making the decision to leave, then doing it.
Getting out of the home is such a physical task, Pulsifer said. It takes all of the woman's time, energy and thought.
"A lot of women that we're dealing with have gotten out of the house with the clothes on their back and their kids," Pulsifer said.
Then, the real world sets in and the question looms large: what now?
There are many obstacles out there in the real world that puts a woman in danger of returning to her abusive partner, Pulsifer said.
The Women's Resource Center works with other agencies such as social services departments, New River Community Action and the Salvation Army to help women set up housekeeping after making a decision to leave an abusive spouse.
Studies have shown that a woman's standard of living decreases after a divorce while a man's tends to increase, Pulsifer said.
Even if the battered woman does leave an abusive situation, she can face continued harassment and not just in her personal life. Pulsifer said 74 percent of employed battered women are harassed at work by their former mates - either by visits or by telephone calls. Twenty percent of the women who face their problem lose their jobs, she said.
Agencies in the New River Valley work together to help the women fill out paperwork, get utilities turned on, arrange deposits on apartments, collect some furniture.
"They're really starting from scratch," Pulsifer said.
And the obstacles a woman faces during this time can put her at a risk of going back to the abusive home.
Pulsifer said "oodles of documentation" is required to qualify people for available services like welfare. Identifications, social security numbers, credit statements and other paperwork is necessary - often things that have been left at the home.
And many women fear how others will look at them when they stand in line at a grocery store and pay with food stamps.
"Welfare really does have a stigma attached to it," Pulsifer said.
The resource center also has a victim-witness advocate who - if domestic situations make it into the legal system - can offer explanations of the court process and support.
"We're not lawyers and we don't pretend to be," Pulsifer said, but the advocate can explain legal options such as protective orders, criminal assault charges and gaining custody of children.
Pulsifer said staff members from the resource center are available to speak about their programs to civic groups and other organizations .
The center has participated in several activities throughout October to help mark the observance of Domestic Violence Awareness month. Wednesday, the last of four lunch-time seminars will be held at Radford University, when women and self-defense will be discussed. The seminar starts at noon in the Student Government Association conference room in Heth Hall.
The Women's Resource Center will begin a new training program for potential volunteers in January. For more information or to ask about assistance, call 639-1123.
by CNB