Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, December 8, 1993 TAG: 9312090003
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Just what we needed, folks, a lot of very old worms. Well, not that old. These worms lived an average of 42 days, while those who didn't have their genes fiddled with lived 18 days.
One of the scientists involved said the worms that are living twice as long ``looked pretty happy and healthy.''
Yeah? Well nobody - even in California - can talk to worms yet. Nobody knows how they feel about it. I should think most worms would be happy to get it over with here on Earth. I mean, they don't have all that good a lifestyle.
I can imagine a worm coming home to the sump hole out back and saying:
``Lord, Martha, since they fooled around with my genes, I feel like an outsider at the office. All the young worms want me out of the way so they can move up before their 18 days are out. I dunno. There are some things in this world we shouldn't tamper with.''
Of course the idea here is to suggest strongly - although the researchers say they can't be sure - that this genetic process can make humans live longer.
There is a down side here, however. The researchers say that humans and worms share a lot of common biological processes. You knew that was coming, didn't you, Charlie? This gives new meaning to your wife saying:
``Well, you worm, you got high at Matilda's party last night and made a pass at that hussy in research and development again.''
Or:
``Well, you worm, Harvey gave Vanessa this really big diamond for Christmas. Thanks for the bath and cologne set and all those new pots and pans, Mr. Big Spender.''
I know that scientists usually mean well - Drs. Frankenstein and Jekyll, for example - but I don't like to think about people tinkering with my genes and my longevity.
If this thing gets off the ground, it will bankrupt the Social Security system and aging, semi-hysterical, semi-retired people such as myself will have to go back to work full-time.
Think of all the things that can go wrong with your back, your car, the house, your rotator cuffs and your lawn mower if you live twice as long.
Sure, you'll be living longer, but all of this stuff will have driven you insane, and you won't be enjoying it.
As we have seen, living that long isn't going to make you any friends at the office among the young guys. And office bombshells don't fool around with really old guys.
No, those still working at an advanced age will return to an old house with faulty plumbing and say:
``It was a mistake to let them zap my genes, Clarissa. I'm detested by all these 75-year-old punks who hate me because I'm in their way. I can understand them feeling that way. I mean, I'll be 125 next Tuesday. At least, I think it's next Tuesday.'' And Clarissa says:
``Yeah, you worm. And just remember you're old enough to be the office bombshell's great-grandfather.''
by CNB