Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, May 14, 1994 TAG: 9405140064
SECTION: SPECTATOR PAGE: S-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By Harriet Winslow The Washington Post
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Joan and Melissa Rivers play themselves in the movie version of their rocky relationship around the time that Edgar Rosenberg, Joan's husband, ended his life at age 62 in 1987.
The movie starts with the news of Rosenberg's death and continues through Melissa's graduation in 1989 from the University of Pennsylvania, where Joan gives a warm speech, saluting the class and her daughter.
Although the NBC movie is based on their real-life experience, the women are acting the roles as written for a two-hour story. "The movie encompasses two years, and we put it together into one," Joan Rivers said.
Concerned that it would be difficult to relive so much anguish in the telling of the story, she said, "We made ground rules. The first rule was that we approach the roles as actors."
Joan believes the movie carries an important message, in addition to telling the story of a mother-daughter relationship under duress.
"Nobody has ever truly touched suicide - the ramifications of what it does to a family," she said. A third of her mail relates to the subject, which was jump-started when People magazine wrote a story about how Joan and Melissa had come together after a period of estrangement, largely triggered by Rosenberg's death.
The point of the movie is coping with grief, Joan Rivers said.
Mother and daughter coped with Rosenberg's death in different ways, which added to a communication breach between them. Melissa was 19 then and a student at Penn. "I, at the time, truly went crazy" about Melissa's anger, Joan said.
Just before the suicide, Joan and Rosenberg had separated, which compounded the after-effects. "I felt beyond guilt. I thought I had done it."
To cope, she kept as busy as possible. "I never stopped moving, I never stopped going," she said and went back to work quickly after his suicide, doing stand-up routines that included the subject of her husband's death. This angered Melissa.
"I think the point of the movie is that everyone handles grief differently, and that you have to handle it your own way," Joan said.
Joan eventually sold the family's house that held such painful memories. This move also made Melissa angry. She had viewed the house as her strongest link to her childhood and to her father.
Meanwhile, Melissa had problems of her own. She started dating a man who turned out to have a violent streak. It took her a while to break that off, still dealing with grief and the pressures of school. A growing estrangement began with her mother. "I went to sleep one night as a kid, and suddenly I woke up as an adult. I felt such emotional numbness," Melissa explained.
Her boyfriend treated her terribly, but at least she felt something with him, she said. "I allowed the domestic violence to happen, because the one thing I could feel was pain." But she reached her limit of tolerance and called her mother after realizing she "deserved more."
The two women have come a long way, Joan said. "We're finally sharing the grief. Because we grieved so differently. We're finally coming together in the grief - putting it to rest. Also you have to remember that we're not doing this the day after the gun was smoking."
The movie was made 6 1/2 years after Rosenberg died of a drug overdose.
From that perspective, Melissa added, "I think that my father made the decision (to die) for himself. I think we've both learned, in a certain way, to respect the decision that he made, but I don't think there will ever be 100 percent forgiveness. It's at 98 percent."
Joan said the responsibility belonged to Rosenberg, who had already had a nervous breakdown. But she added that suicide leaves anger that may never leave. "You must acknowledge this anger - and you're always going to be angry," she said.
Whereas Joan is an open book, Melissa is more reticent. "I just get it out," said Joan. "I will never die from an ulcer. Missy is very much like Edgar."
Melissa Rivers - she took her mother's surname because it is easier to spell, she said - is like her father. "I tend to close in," she said, and distanced herself from those around her.
Suicide is in many ways a difficult subject to discuss, and Joan hopes their story will enlighten many while breaking ground.
Another thing that helped them was to co-found Suicide Survivors in New York with Melissa.
Joan Rivers is currently on Broadway in a play based on Sally Marr, the mother of the late comic Lenny Bruce. She also hosts a syndicated infomercial, "Can We Shop?"
Like her mother, Melissa works in show business. At 25, she has done on-camera work for both MTV and "CBS This Morning" and would like to work for NBC after the movie airs.
by CNB