Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, July 17, 1994                   TAG: 9407180119
SECTION: CURRENT                    PAGE: NRV16   EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY  
SOURCE: BECKY HEPLER STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: RADFORD                                  LENGTH: Medium

ABUSED WOMEN: WHY DO THEY STAY?

Your heart goes out to these women terrorized by the people who supposedly love them.

Still, the question lingers: Why do they stay? Or, if lucky enough to break away, why do they return?

In a country where the can-do spirit is a defining trait, it is difficult to understand the passivity that characterizes abused women. What could be worse than the life they are already living?

Mary Beth Pulsifer, domestic violence program coordinator at the Women's Resource Center, said the most immobilizing force for these women is their lack of self-esteem.

Sometimes this lack of confidence comes from growing up in an abusive home. When the women become adults, they enter relationships feeling worthless, believing they deserve abuse. Other times, their natural confidence has eroded under the slow, corrosive effect of physical and emotional abuse.

"In our group the other night, one of the women made the analogy of the frog," Pulsifer said. "If you put a frog into boiling water, it will hop out immediately. But if you put the frog in cold water, then very, very gradually raise the temperature, the frog will finally die from the heat, but it won't try to escape."

The abuse can be emotional as well as physical. One former client spoke of her confidence draining away because her husband "was so domineering and always in my face, all the time. I felt like I had lost myself."

Pulsifer said of the women who return to their abusive partners, "We don't always learn something the first time. Sometimes, we have to struggle with a lesson several times before we know it, and I think that's what happens with these women."

"They come in and absorb some of what we're trying to teach, then they go back home and try to use it," she continued. "When their situation breaks down and they can no longer cope with it, they come back to the shelter and learn some more, get more confidence to face their life. Maybe, finally they make the changes they need. It can be a slow process."

Pulsifer acknowledged the cycle can also discourage the people who work with abused women. "The Women's Resource Center is here to work for these women, to address their needs as they see them, even if it's not the same way we would," she said. "Sometimes, though, it feels like it's out of our control, and you know it must feel the same way for the police and the court system. Still, it's their life and we have to respect that."