Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, July 17, 1994                   TAG: 9407180126
SECTION: CURRENT                    PAGE: NRV2   EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY 
SOURCE: Steve Kark
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WE SHOULD MILK THE COW FOR ALL IT'S WORTH

Apparently Ol' Bossy has a serious problem with it, to the tune of 35 million metric tons per year, according to the story.

And to think I'd needlessly worried that the folks in Washington had their priorities wrong, that they might decide this country needn't get all worked up about things like disposing of nuclear waste or eliminating industrial pollution and acid rain. Maybe I was wrong.

After all, one would reasonably expect that if they've got money left over for studying something like the cow-gas problem, they must have that other stuff in the bag.

The story goes on to say that the Environmental Protection Agency has decided to shell out $500,000 toward a project that already has swallowed up $300,000 and that has likely produced little more than a lot of hot air itself. But, hey, Thomas Edison didn't invent the light bulb overnight.

We don't have much trouble with radioactive waste out this way - not that I know of anyway - but by golly, we've got cows. More'n you could shake a stick at. And it's good to know somebody out there is looking out for simple folks like us.

Maybe we don't need to spend so much time on all those other environmental problems anyway. After all, it takes something like 25,000 years for all that radioactive stuff to get to where it's not harmful anymore. That means it'll be around a long time. So they figure, what's the rush?

Besides, this cow-gas study really could pay off in the long run. It's mostly methane, a usable natural gas and a lot cleaner to burn than gasoline.

Why I'll bet those clever scientists are thinking up all sorts of innovative ways we can use it this very minute. Just think of the possibilities.

Rather than pumping all that messy oil out of the earth to make gasoline, we could use cow power instead. It would be a whole lot cheaper getting the cattle to market. Instead of filling up the truck with gas before leaving, you could simply throw a big ol' tarp over the cattle trailer, rig up some hoses to collect the gas and let them suckers pay their own way.

Pretty soon everybody would want in on the action. Instead of a tiger, the ads on TV would promote putting an Angus or a Holstein in your tank.

Who'd want to drive around in those dirty, old gas-guzzlers when you could be using the newest environmentally safe, cow-powered technology? Imagine the new car commercials: "Don't get lost along the way, rope yourself a steer today" or "See the USA ... in your Charolais."

It does a body good to see that Yankee ingenuity is alive and well in Washington. And here I thought all that hot air was good for nothing.

Steve Kark is an instructor at Virginia Tech and a correspondent for the Roanoke Times & World-News' New River Valley bureau. He writes from his home in scenic Rye Hollow, in a remote part of Giles County south of Pearisburg.