Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, January 17, 1995 TAG: 9501180026
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: ALMENA HUGHES STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Thirteen and 35 years later, respectively, the two women are still sorting through the impact of their losses - Edelman, through her book, "Motherless Daughters," which spent 14 weeks on The New York Times best sellers' list last year; Frazier, through two local groups of "motherless daughters" that she will start Wednesday.
Edelman wrote "Motherless Daughters, The Legacy of Loss" (Addison-Wesley Publishing Co.) when she couldn't find any existing literature on the impact on a young woman of a loss of the same-sex parent. Although the book begins with a death, Edelman says she intends for it to be about living. Frazier intends the same for her groups.
"I decided that this book might be something I should read to help me understand myself better in relationship to my mother," Frazier said. "It was a wise decision. I was amazed at the number of feelings I have that people expressed the same feelings in their letters to Edelman.
"I feel reassured to know that I'm not alone in this by having read this book. My mother's death influenced my life as well as her life influenced it. If other women feel this way, this class may help them understand that their feelings are valid. It may be a legacy of loss, but there is also a legacy of hope."
For her book, Edelman interviewed or surveyed nearly 250 racially, ethnically and socioeconomically diverse women between 17 and 82 years old. They had ranged in age from infancy to early 30s when they lost their mothers to death, physical separation, mental illness, emotional abandonment or neglect. They represented 34 states and the District of Columbia. Most did not know or ever meet each other. Yet Edelman found certain similarities among them and herself "almost eerie."
According to Edelman, some shared traits include independence and assertiveness; strong survival instincts; a refusal to be vulnerable, especially to dearly loved people; a sense of isolation and not fitting in with the norm; and a willingess to tread paths not usually taken by women.
Daughters for whom early mother loss was an impetus for success include writers Charlotte, Emily and Anne Bronte (ages at loss, 5, 3 and 1); scientist Marie Curie (11); former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt (8); Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (17); and celebrities Jane Fonda (15); Rosie O'Donnel (10); Madonna (5); and Maya Angelou; Oprah Winfrey and Carol Burnett (mothers alive but absent).
For Frazier, mother-loss sparked lifestyle changes, which she still practices, long before they became accepted wisdom.
"I changed my diet right after my mother died and started eating less meat and more vegetables and fruits. I immediately put myself into a walking program. I didn't want to die so young. She was too young to die, and I was too young to have her die," Frazier said.
Edelman notes that many motherless daughters also become juvenile delinquents or end up in prison or other straits. And many live relatively normal, unassuming lives, as does Frazier: married for 25 years, divorced for eight, mother of five sons, two granddaughters. The age at the time of loss, the cause of death and support systems available afterward all affect how a woman will cope, Edelman says.
Edelman examines the impact of mother-loss upon females of roughly age 6 and younger, 6 to 12, adolescence, the 20s and later years. But Frazier said, "Even among women who have lost their mothers after age 40, there is still a sense of the loss of a bond that refuses to go away."
It's cyclical, she said, referring to a respondent who wrote about grieving around Mothers Day, the anniversary of the loss and during the holidays, then getting a break for a while.
"That's pretty much how it's been for me," Frazier said. "Sometimes you don't think about it; at other times, you feel it more."
For her, June is difficult because her mother's cancer was diagnosed around the same time that her father died during that month. Her mother died three years later, also in June. Her grief also intensified as she approached 53, the age at which both her mother and father had died. "I wondered, `am I going to make it?'
"I missed my mother most when I was planning my marriage. I wanted to honor my parents and I couldn't. ... I wanted my parents to be able to see and play with their grandchildren. Now that I'm a grandmother, I feel that my parents are still missing those milestones," she said.
Frazier's only sibling, an older sister, moved to California shortly after their mother's death. Although they've always maintained close contact, it wasn't until about five years ago that the sisters began to discuss their loss. Now they use trips together as time for healing.
Both Frazier and Edelman note that the subject of mother loss was and often still is treated as taboo. But just as Madonna and Rosie O'Donnel are said to have developed an almost instant bond when they first met on the movie set of "A League of Their Own," Frazier thinks the participants in her groups will open to each other.
She, Edelman and most of Edelman's respondents said they experience, in the company of other motherless daughters, a sense of camaraderie - of at last being among others who understand.
"I don't envision it as a support group. I hope that it will be more of a discussion about the book, so we'll get to share and learn from each other," Frazier said. She said she'll limit the groups to about 10 people each and let them flow at their own pace.
The "Motherless Daughters," book discussion groups will meet on Wednesdays from Jan. 18 - Feb. 22, 10 a.m. - noon or 7 p.m. - 9 p.m. at the Lifestream Center, 2028 Brandon Ave. S.W., Roanoke. The cost is $60. Call 344-3031.
by CNB