ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Wednesday, February 14, 1996           TAG: 9602140022
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1    EDITION: METRO 
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE

LEAVE HEARTS, FLOWERS TO MEN WITH LESS ON THEIR MIND

OK. So it's Valentine's Day. Just don't be expecting any of that disgusting sweety-sweet junk from old Yours Truly here.

I got other things on my mind, pal. Like the way the County of Roanoke estimates water bills when the meters can't be read because they're covered with ice and snow.

Actually, some of us have lived in a state of constant dread ever since the county got into the water estimation business.

The other day I got an estimated bill that was $31 more than the last one they got off the meter.

They explained it to me. I still don't get it. It's kind of like trying to understand anti-matter or relativity.

This estimating poses the interesting question of whether people who are in danger of freezing to death and starvation when snow and ice cover their water meters tend to use more water. They maybe take more baths?

I don't think I'll ever see my 31 bucks again, but if I do I'll buy a couple of bags of that disgusting kitty stuff to put under your tires when you get stuck in the snow and ice.

I've also been worrying about O.J. Simpson popping up everywhere, including CNN with Greta Van Susteren. Don't we have any taste anymore? If John Dillinger were alive, I guess he'd be calling Greta, too.

That Greta. Whatever you say about her, she's tough. I'll bet she doesn't get all slushy about Valentine's Day. Maybe I'll call her about my water bill and she'll say it's unconstitutional.

I've spent some time worrying about Michael Douglas and how he makes these movies in which women like Demi Moore pick on him. I will say here, however, that Demi can pick on me anytime.

I also set aside time to worry about notes that turn up in the mail, such as:

"Mr. Beagle,

"Shoes are more important than food and shelter. Shoes are more important than restroom facilities. Shoes are more important than medical attention. That is the message I'm getting from the Department of Health.

"Homer"

Sorry, Homer. You kind of slid that one right past me.

So, you go right on. Buy all those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate candy you want. Charge those roses on your credit card. Make a fool of yourself writing soupy poetry - which I don't want to even hear about.

For me, it'll be just another day of trying to keep the ice and snow off the water meter so nobody will have to estimate the bill.

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