ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, July 30, 1996 TAG: 9607300021
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
Cindy Counts has spent a lot of time at the word processor.
She's written to 64 area legislators, judges, lawyers, educators and counselors.
She wants their advice on a question that has plagued parents of teen-agers, probably since the beginning of time: What is the single most important thing parents can do to keep their kids safe?
The fine line of parenting is a balance beam, she believes: On one side, there's the issue of respecting your child and nourishing her uniqueness; on the other, the necessity of setting firm boundaries.
Lean too hard toward either side, and you fall off.
If Counts' life were the Olympics of parenting, the Salem mother figures she was disqualified when her daughter, Jessica, was 12. ``That was when the pod people came,'' she says dryly. ``They took my child and left something in her place.''
At school, Jessica was described as ``willfully defiant.'' She struggled with classes, skipped school regularly and began spending time with an older boy who Counts believes didn't respect her.
Counts, who came of age in the '60s, remembers trying to be the ``cool mom'' on the block. Even now, she says, hers is the house in her South Salem neighborhood where all the teens hang out; she's the one they all refer to as ``Mom.''
Every time her daughter messed up, Counts said, "I made excuses for her instead of letting her face the consequences of her actions. She developed that pattern of counting on me to always rescue her.''
At 16, Jessica became pregnant. Her mother described what happened next as the worst two years of her life. Counts faced the ironic mess of not being able to stop Jessica from having her baby - but being financially responsible for the child once he was born.
Then, 13 months later, Jessica had a second child and along came the custody battle, court disputes, and Jessica's transitions between living with the baby's father and living at home. Jessica, now 18, lives with her mother.
Counts figures she could teach a course called Unexpected Grandparenthood, using her daughter's mistakes - and her own - as the text. So, she's offering to tell her story to anyone who'll listen. And she's garnering, researching and begging for advice from all the experts in the field.
She keeps coming back to the African proverb about the village - and the need for people to listen to and befriend kids who aren't your own. ``If we see a 3- or 4-year-old running around alone, we'll grab him and ask, `Are you OK? Where's your mom?'
``But if that kid's 10, we look the other way. I have a lot of teens at my house, who aren't mine but who tell me everything,'' she says. ``And I think if Jessica would've had someone to talk to today ... because teens don't listen to their own parents.''
Studies of adolescents report a correlation between those who do well and those who have at least three adults - typically not their own parents - whom they trust enough to honestly discuss the Hard Stuff.
Of the 64 letters Counts has sent out, 20 people have responded. The most popular pieces of advice:
* Spend more time with your children, be more involved in their lives.
* Make your kids take responsibility for their actions.
* Call the school or police when you see a child out on the street when school is in session.
``There's been a lot of surprise expressed that I'm doing this, and I realize it sounds so vague,'' she says. ``But I think parents have lost or abdicated their authority over our children. And I'm willing to stand up and say, `Let's take our children back.'
``We need to let these kids know someone cares about them, even if they don't care about themselves.''
Counts can be reached at 387-3908.
LENGTH: Medium: 78 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: ERIC BRADY/Staff Cindy Counts holds her twoby CNBgrandchildren. A portrait of her daughters hangs on the wall above
them. color.