ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, December 15, 1996 TAG: 9612160016
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-2 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: STEVE KARK
I've heard that this year marks the return of the alpha-male.
A relatively new addition to our language, the expression has been borrowed from those who study animal behavior in the wild.
They use it to identify a male animal that rises to a position of authority within a pride or pack and that, by virtue of its size and strength, defeats lesser males, thereby assuring unrivaled access to the females.
At any rate, now the term has been adopted by popular culture and applied to the human animal.
While I was waiting to pay for a bag of cat food at the supermarket, I read that the modern woman has had it with men who eat quiche. That was yesterday's man, back in the days when a man's whimpering and whining was a mark of distinction, a sign of sensitivity.
Today's woman, the article went on to say, wants a man who can cut it, a man who's pumped up and ready to kick some butt. Wimps are out.
Reading on, I felt a growing sense of discomfort and loss. She wants a manly man, it said. She wants an alpha-male like Arnold or Sly or Mel, those guys in the movies.
The jig is up for guys like me.
In all fairness I don't think I'm a wimp. Still, I'm a long way from being an alpha-male. I'd be the first to admit it. I see myself somewhere between the two - maybe something like a gamma-male, if such a thing exists.
Now I don't want you thinking that this is something I worry about all the time. It's just that a man likes to think he still has what it takes, even as he fusses with his hair to hide the bald spot.
Every once in a while I like to fool myself into thinking I'd fit in with those alpha guys. For instance, I don't generally read the sports pages in the paper, but I might glance through them every now and then so I can fit in with the guys who talk about that kind of stuff.
Down at the local watering hole I might venture a "How 'bout them Redskins?" That's about my limit. Though I might try out a "Yeah, they creamed 'em" when I feel brave. It usually works because most guys don't listen anyway. They're too busy thinking about what they're going to say next.
I'll let you in on another secret. I went out and bought one of those repair manuals for my type of truck, but not because I'd actually use it to fix the darn thing. No, I browse through it instead, so I can use words like "thermostat" and "alternator" when I take the truck to a garage for someone else to fix.
There are a lot of good, trustworthy mechanics out there. But if you walk into some places and let on you know absolutely nothing about cars, you might as well hand over your wallet. It pays to make them think you can walk the walk and talk the talk.
Another thing that helps is messing with my toolbox. Just putting on my tool belt makes me feel more like one of those alpha guys. Some tools - like Vice Grips and stud finders - even sound manly. Just holding them makes you feel a little taller.
I might take out my voltage meter and check the current in the outlets around the house. Yep, 110 volts in each one, just like the last time I checked. You can never be too sure.
I might crawl up under the truck and tap the engine block with a wrench. Just looking at all that oil and dirt and grease makes me feel manly. Works every time.
No, I might not be an alpha-male like those guys in the movies, but I can still cut it. And if anybody doesn't think so, why I'll knock 'em into next week. I'll be on 'em like a duck on a June bug.
I'm tougher'n woodpecker lips and don't you forget it.
LENGTH: Medium: 68 linesby CNB