ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, February 13, 1997 TAG: 9702130007
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BETH MACY
SOURCE: BETH MACY
Last week I interviewed Leanne Banks, a Roanoke native who writes romance novels from her home in Richmond. She has a psychology degree - just enough knowledge to be dangerous, as she put it.
She didn't actually say how much money she makes writing three books a year, though she did reveal that it's about as much as ``a low-paid doctor, not a specialist'' earns.
Meaning, approximately two to three times my salary.
The job affords her such luxuries as an extended-family trip to Hawaii for vacation - on Leanne's tab.
For my last vacation, I visited relatives in Ohio.
I have read Leanne's latest, ``The Five-Minute Bride.'' Although it was clear and concise - and not a little bit steamy - it didn't seem like brain surgery, or even a lower-paying specialty. The basic formula is: Sexual tension, sexual tension, consummation, happy ending.
Kind of like "The Brady Bunch," with sex.
Borrowing that formula - and because I'm still jealous about that Hawaiian vacation - here's my own stab at romance-writing.
So that readers may choose answers that best fit their romantic state, I've added the option of multiple choice.
Happy Valentine's Day
Susan was driving her cherry red Mazda RX-7 to work one morning on the Interstate 581 when she noticed that the tight-shirted man in the next car could not take his eyes off her.
Then she remembered, a) her husband was out of town on business, b) her muffler was dragging, c) she had forgotten to take the curlers out of her hair.
When she exited near Valley View Mall, she realized the man was still following her. She pulled up in front of Sam's Wholesale Club because a) they had a really good price on bulk lingerie, b) her muffler was still under warranty there, c) the man was offering to remove her curlers, one pin at a time - and then start on the rest of her.
Susan noticed the man wore one of those uniform shirts with a name patch that said ``Ethan.'' His hot breath came in quick gasps as he strolled up to her car.
Surely, she told herself, this must be a) the ecstasy of unbridled passion, b) asthma, c) the man who is going to fix my muffler.
In a voice that could melt a frozen radiator, he uttered, ``The name's Ethan, and I'm the stud who is going to a) make your insides stir like a mixer on high speed,'' b) change your muffler - for $150 bucks,'' c) sell you a new long-distance service.''
Susan had never seen a man with such a large a) pectoral display b) set of lug nuts, c) boa constrictor around his neck.
She met his gaze, then fell hard - the way she once tripped up the stairs wearing her new clogs. She decided then and there what she would do with Ethan: a) dash to the airport and hop a plane to Aruba, b) call the police, then tie up the muffler herself, c) invite Ethan over to view her collection of exotic fish.
They consummated their meeting a) at 10,000 feet in the air, b) with a warrant for Ethan's arrest, c) by taking a bubble bath in the dank tub at the local no-tell motel.
Suddenly, Susan's cell phone rang, interrupting the moment. It was her husband, Blake, and he was coming home early from his business trip. He would arrive in time to celebrate Valentine's Day with her after all.
Susan froze, like a tongue stuck to a flagpole in the middle of February. Weighing her options, she decided to a) hijack the plane back to Roanoke and be reunited with Blake, b) yell at Blake for not fixing the muffler before he left town, c) call 1-800-JEFF-KRASNOW to sue Ethan - for the back pain she experienced after slipping in the tub.
Susan had had it with a) the affair, b) her husband, c) columnists desperate for a new Valentine's Day idea.
Fortunately, the day was still young. She got on her cell phone and called in sick to work.
Then she drove home in her noisy RX-7, its muffler still roaring like her unspent sexual energy.
She decided to a) spend the day with her husband in the new hot tub he bought for her for Valentine's Day, b) drive around Roanoke hoping a studly cop would pull her over for a noise ordinance violation, c) make a fortune writing romance novels.
LENGTH: Medium: 83 linesby CNB