ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, February 19, 1997 TAG: 9702190059
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
This is Old Bennie here, offering an exclusive service that provides free tips on building a lasting, fulfilling marriage.
Well, sure, you can send along a few bucks if you feel you just have to. I don't accept checks or credit cards.
After 45 years afloat on the Sea of Matrimony, I find it puts a little spice in the old marriage to ask your wife to bring you a surprise even though you know she's merely going to Kroger for low-fat milk.
This sort of thing tends to initiate all kinds of interesting dialogue and allows for a free flow of ideas between the partners:
"You moron, how am I supposed to find you a surprise at the supermarket? A package of turkey bacon, maybe?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of some fat-filled sugar cookies."
"My roommates told me I was marrying a person whose elevators didn't go to all the floors."
"Well, just forget it then. It's just that my mother always brought me a surprise when she went shopping. She usually got me a goldfish."
If the above dialogue doesn't occur, there are other ways to get into discussions that help shape your lives together.
Try cutting the corned beef with the knife drawer open and making a show of letting the crumbs fall into the drawer.
You want dialogue, pal? You got dialogue.
I find it easy to arouse the kind of sharing we're talking about here by leaving peanut butter stains in the jelly jar and jelly stains in the peanut butter jar. You can do the same thing with your average low-fat mayonnaise jar - leaving, say, some corned beef crumbs in there.
I also like to leave coffee cups and glasses on the coffee table - along with empty plastic bottles that once contained no-calorie soft drinks. And Popsicle sticks that become glued to the table.
In my own case, this delightful bit of business has led my soul mate to describe the coffee table as "the trough." This usually gets a good laugh out of visitors and illustrates how humor can cement the bonds of matrimony.
And people go around saying: "Boy, those Beagles. What a really fun marriage they have."
You can also over-stuff your mouth with popcorn and let the overflow drop between the seat cushion in a chair already ruined by oversitting.
There is much more I can tell you. But I have to quit now. I hear my marital partner's car.
I hope she didn't bring me a goldfish.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB