THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, June 26, 1994 TAG: 9406240775
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY CONNIE CRANE TODD, SPECIAL TO HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN
DATELINE: 940626 LENGTH: Medium
You know her. You probably know more than one. She's at church, at school, in the grocery store, in the neighborhood or at a friend's house. You may even see her in the mirror.
{REST} But you know her.
Always the first on the scene in a crisis, always with a casserole in her hands. If there has been an accident, she provides transportation for the family members, takes care of children at home and brings meals to a family in turmoil.
A Wendy does all the things no one else has the time or energy to think about. If there's a death in the family, she's organizing the food register, writing down who brought what so the bereaved will have an easier time later writing appreciation notes.
Always in the background, yet always in the center of the action. Always making things better for people in need. Now do you know her? How many names come to mind while reading this? Your mother? Your sister? Best friend? YOU? No matter who she is to you or what her name is, her name is Wendy. She is part of a large group of women who live their entire lives in what I refer to as The Wendy Syndrome.
Remember the story of Peter Pan and the lost boys? Peter Pan was a man who could not face growing up, and he was the leader of many little lost boys. Together they lived carefree and happy, but they didn't like to take care of themselves with the drudgery duties of life. Wendy was their rescuer. She didn't live with them, nor was she really part of their clan, but she ran the show. The boys would all be in total chaos, and there would come Wendy to save them. Not so much physically, but she gave them the little nurturing boosts they needed, just when they needed them the most. She would appear from nowhere, work her tender loving magic and disappear again, just as magically as she appeared.
The boys and Peter Pan loved Wendy, but the fact that she never stayed made her that much more appealing and lovely in their eyes. Wendy worked magic.
What did Wendy do at night? What did Wendy do when she wasn't helping the boys? Where did she live? Did she have a ``day job?'' We don't know. We were never told. But we didn't care because Wendy's entire identity was being the rescuer. And we loved her.
But what does a real-life Wendy do when she's not rescuing? What if none of the neighbors' houses has burned to the ground, none of her friends or family has been involved in accidents, no one just lost a job or a spouse? What happens to Wendy when no one needs rescuing? Many Wendys become depressed. They feel unneeded, unwanted and unloved because they only see themselves as being worthy of love when they are a Wendy.
Wendy springs to life at the first notification of bad news, and she is organizing, planning, cooking, phoning and collaborating the plan of action to help this family, friend or survivor. This is not to say Wendy is not truly concerned. She is. She loves these people. She just wants to make life easier for them in their time of need. That is enough for her. Or is it?
On the surface, yes it is. But look a little closer at this person. What is her true motive? If she fits the Wendy Syndrome, what she really needs is to be needed. That explains the depression when she's not helping someone. She feels unappreciated - even by herself. It's difficult for her to love and respect herself unless she's helping someone every minute of every day, because when she's not, she feels empty.
Worthless. Unfullfilled. Sad. All these are subconscious thoughts, however, because if you asked Wendy if she wants these events to happen, the response would be a horrified ``No! I would never wish these tragic events to happen to anyone!'' Consciously she believes that. After all, that would make her a terrible person, and ``Wendy'' is good.
But in reality, she is an addict. Her addiction is being needed. The more she does, the more she feels needed, so she continues doing for others. As the feedback increases and boosts her self-image, her need to do more also grows at an even faster pace.
This is the difference between a concerned person who will help out in crisis and Wendy, who sometimes helps people too much. Wendy offers so many services that when you try to tell her she's done too much, she just continues to do more. Many times, it makes the recipient uncomfortable, knowing that she could never repay the favors. But Wendy does not want repayment. Actually, she often has difficulty accepting help from others in times of need. That is not her identity.
How do you help a Wendy? Love her. Nurture her. Talk and listen to her. Help her to realize she is loved for who she is, not for what she does. Encourage her to be a Wendy to herself once in a while, and let Peter Pan and the lost boys fend for herselves. They will love her for that, too.
by CNB