THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, August 7, 1994 TAG: 9408040032
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 06 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DEBRA GORDON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 186 lines
HER HUSBAND still gets up every morning and goes to work, coming home every evening frustrated and exhausted.
The only trip they've taken was to Atlantic City - which he hated.
Their two grandchildren spent six months with them. For a while, it looked as if they would be living with them permanently.
And she's so bored, she's taken to cleaning his motorcycle with bleach and a toothbrush.
It's a far cry from the life Sharon Carter thought she'd be leading after her husband's retirement last year.
For most couples, retirement brings with it visions of days of togetherness, travel, of finally having the time and the money to enjoy the fruits of 30 years' labor.
But for others - stymied by illness, financial worries or the unexpected relationship changes retirement can bring - the dream may become the nightmare.
``The reality is terrible,'' says Sharon, 49, of Virginia Beach.
``Couples have all kinds of expectations that are based on these myths that are around about retirement,'' says Maxi Szinovacz, a Norfolk sociologist who has done extensive research on the effects of retirement on marriage. ``Then they are surprised when they don't happen. But myths don't happen.''
Sharon and her husband, George, began planning their retirement five years ago when they bought a new ranch house in Virginia Beach and rented it out. When they retired, they thought, they'd move from California into the house to be closer to Sharon's family.
He'd get a part-time job and that, combined with his pension, would give them enough money to travel.
It was all planned.
But the only job he could find was full time, earning less than $6 an hour - half of what he'd counted on. Although their mortgage is less than in California, utilities are higher, so their money isn't going as far. They've started dipping into their savings and selling off stocks they were counting on for later years.
As for travel, not only can they not afford it, but they can't handle the steamy summers. So during hot weather, they're trapped in their air-conditioned house, a prisoner of the climate.
Worst of all, her husband's health has started declining, a direct result, says Sharon, of his frustration at their situation.
Every week she suggests they chuck it all and head back to California, but he refuses. It would be giving up, something he just can't do.
``I wish I had listened to my husband when he suggested staying in California,'' she says, guilty at her role in their predicament. ``We had everything mapped out; but nothing worked.''
For Sonja Cassitto, 59, her husband's retirement two years ago was unexpected - he was laid off from his job as a consultant at CEBAF in Newport News and hasn't been able to find work since.
He's sent out hundreds of resumes, but it's not easy for a 62-year-old man to find work, she says.
So he spends his days reading, watching television and puttering around the house, while she gets up every morning and goes to work in her job as a production manager of creative marketing services at the Family Channel.
He's perfectly content; she's seething with anger and frustration.
It's a recipe for disaster, says Szinovacz. ``If he's retired and she's still working, then you have a problem.''
In actuality, most couples retire together, despite the fact that the wife is usually younger than her husband and hasn't been in the work force as long.
``The fact that there are such a small number that don't retire is an indication that this is a pattern couples try to avoid,'' said Szinovacz.
Cassitto would have loved to avoid it; she'd even love to retire - but the couple is dependent on her income now. Even so, their lifestyle has changed dramatically because of their changed financial condition.
Because her husband was an independent consultant, he has no retirement pension or benefits, except for the Social Security he just began collecting.
And so he can't pursue many of his hobbies, like skiing, because they're too expensive. Instead, he reads, watches TV, works out and takes walks.
What he doesn't do is cook or clean.
Typical, notes Szinovacz. ``Many retired husbands do not perform more female chores, even though their wives are still employed,'' she said. ``Husbands' failure to help more in the household then evokes feelings of inequity in the division of housework.''
Cassitto also has had a difficult adjustment to make to having her husband around the house all the time.
During much of his career, he was away from home for months at a time. She grew used to living independently, making her own decisions. But since he's home, he's become more demanding and controlling of her and her time, wanting to know where she is, why she's late.
He vetoes everything she wants to do, like change a room around or paint, and procrastinates on every house project she asks him to complete.
``I call him Mr. Negative,'' she says with a dry laugh.
Her only relief is in the early morning hours. She gets up at 5:30 a.m. every day just to have some time to herself.
``I keep hoping to change him; I keep hoping he's going to want to get work. I can't imagine anyone with his talent and ability sitting around and wasting away.
``He'll tell me he's doing all he can, but I question it. I don't want to feel like there's no future.''
Some retirement stories do end happily.
Diane and Vernon Penix of Virginia Beach are happy with the way his retirement is going - so far.
Vernon, 39, retired last year after 20 years in the Navy and is now a full-time student.
Diane, 41, teaches elementary school.
It wasn't quite what she planned. She thought he'd retire, take a month off, then get another job. ``I had this fairy tale image that he'd get this job working from 8 to 4, and I could go to the spa after work, spend more time at school doing my paperwork, and just have quality time at home in the evening.''
But nothing panned out in the job market, so Diane focused on Plan B. Vernon could go to school full time and work part-time. She even found him a job through a temporary agency.
But he hated the job, so she agreed to Plan C: full-time school by night; househusband by day.
Thus, Diane has learned to let go of some of the control she'd held as a military wife used to six-month deployments.
``He has his way to do things; I have my way; and I learned to either accept his way or do it my way.''
Eventually, notes Szinovacz, most issues that couples face following retirement are resolved.
Ruth Dyke can attest to that. Her husband, Russell, retired 12 years ago at age 54 from his job with the Internal Revenue Service. She quit her job with the Labor Department, and together the two, then living in Washington, made plans to build their retirement home on land they owned in West Virginia.
The first six months were like one long vacation, said Ruth, who has been married for 42 years.
``When you work so hard, where every moment of your time is planned, and every day when you come in there's a line of people waiting to tell you their problems, you think about retirement as just doing nothing.''
But after six months, it got old.
So when her husband was offered a full-time job in Virginia Beach, he accepted and they moved here.
Again, the reality differed from the expectation. Only a few months later, the Dyke's daughter and grandson moved in with them after a divorce. Her daughter needed a great deal of assistance, said Ruth, and, with Russell working full time, the couple reverted to the traditional roles they'd held when they first had children and she stayed home to care for them.
But once her daughter was on her feet and living independently, Ruth began looking for something to do. Trained as a music teacher, she started teaching piano lessons from her home - at about the same time her husband decided he was ready for retirement, and quit his job.
``And so here I was working,'' she says, raising her left hand in the air, ``and here he was,'' she lowers her right hand, ``home again!''
It took adjustment. What the Dykes learned, and what Ruth offers as advice to other couples, was to give each other space.
``We had to learn to interact in a different way,'' she said. ``Suddenly there was time available.''
The relationship the couple has now evolved slowly over the past decade, says Ruth. ``Part of the time is mine and I do as I please, and part is his and he does as he pleases; and then part of the time we spend together.
``You can't try to become one person; that doesn't work. You have to find a balance between being together and doing as one person wants, or being allowed to have their own space.''
The other advice they pass on to couples considering retirement, whether next year or in the next 30 years, is to plan for it financially.
The Dykes were lucky because they owned their own home, plus a rental home, in Washington that they sold when they moved here. They had also saved over the years for their retirement. Without those things, says Ruth, life would have been difficult trying to survive on just their Social Security and Russell's pension.
``Plan ahead, plan way ahead,'' she urged.
But don't be too surprised when your plans don't turn out exactly the way you imagined. ILLUSTRATION: Color photo
PETER D. SUNDBERG
Sonja Cassitto, 59, and her husband, Ralph, are finding retirement
an uneasy adjustment. Sonja is the breadwinner, while Ralph still
tries to find a job. He was laid off two years ago.
Color photo
MARTIN SMITH-RODDEN/Staff
Diane and Vernon Penix - with daughter Demetria, 9 - are happy with
the way his retirement is going so far. When Vernon retired from the
Navy last year, the Virginia Beach man returned to school. He
attends full time at night and is a househusband by day.
Photo
MARTIN SMITH-RODDEN/Staff
Vernon Penix, with his daughter, Demetria, retired from the Navy
last year. Now he's a full-time student.
by CNB