THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, August 21, 1994 TAG: 9408220233
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ASHLYN L. BARNARD, SPECIAL TO HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN
LENGTH: Medium: 67 lines
THROUGH THE YEARS, motherhood hasn't changed much. Children's hugs are still as heartwarming and their public behavior is just as eternally embarrassing in modern times as in ancient history. Oh, sure, the advent of the microwave has enabled us to eat a few hot meals now and then, but mothers are still the last to sit down. And of these many constants of motherhood, one binds women together like nothing else.
There is always and forever some cause for guilt.
The possibilities are endless. Will my son grow up deprived and resentful if he doesn't watch that nauseatingly cute video one more time, or will he become a slug-brained couch potato if he does? (Will I flip out and impale myself on his toy ``corn-popper'' if he does?) Is he getting enough vitamins and minerals? Is he eating too much? Am I being too strict or is he too spoiled?
If anything ever changes, it's that prickly work-vs.-home issue. In our mothers' day, women who returned to work when their children were young were in the minority and suffered some disapproval from other women as well as men. By the ``me-decade'' of the '80s, society expected both men and women to pursue their careers almost fanatically, frequently at the expense of their families.
Now, in the '90s, we've achieved some balance. This is the decade of part-time and home-based jobs. I'm glad to see the change, having done both and now working full time; still, depending on how I look at it, part time is either a healthy compromise or a way to feel twice as guilty.
Should I be earning more? Or should I stay home full time instead? Does my son need more time with me?
I've noticed that some women will inevitably make other mothers feel guilty. Once, a snooty sales clerk raised her eyebrows when I didn't give a work phone on my check. Later, when I'd just returned to work, I had to deal with one of my stay-at-home-advocate friends.
``So, where do you take him all day?'' she asked, the disapproval in her voice suggesting that she strongly suspected I might drop him off in the park.
So I explained, rather defensively, about my son's day-care provider, how wonderful she was and how happy he was, while a little voice inside my head said, ``Why am I defensive? Women started this whole liberation thing together, so why can't we stay on the same side?''
My friend's disapproval may have stemmed from insecurity or unhappiness with her own decision, or simply from some very strong opinions. I agree with her, to a point. I think young children benefit the most from the primary care of one adult (Mom, Dad or relative), one-on-one, for as long as possible. But it's not always possible as long as we would prefer.
I've agonized and soul-searched every step of the journey from days at home to the full-time office routine and have finally come to some conclusions:
Providing needed money for your family is another way of taking care of your child
Staying home all day with an active 2-year-old isn't always for high-strung types, and a happier mother is a better one
A mother's decision whether to work, and how much, is between her and her spouse. And no one else. ILLUSTRATION: Photo
Ashlyn L. Barnard is a resident of Virginia Beach.
by CNB