THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, December 25, 1994 TAG: 9412210215
SECTION: COMMENTARY PAGE: J3 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY KEITH MONROE, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 62 lines
The holiday season overflows with traditions, including traditional entertainments that never grow old.
Or do they?
Many date to the 19th century. Perhaps their timeless appeal is due in part to assumptions that seem quaint and comforting to nerves and sensibilities jangled by uncertain modern times.
But are we really doing our kids a favor by indoctrinating them with nostalgic nonsense? Maybe it's time to update these pleasant Victorian tales so they teach lessons more appropriate to our own era.
Clearly the popular poem ``A Visit From Saint Nicholas'' needs massive revision to be acceptable today. In it, Santa is described as little and old, chubby and plump, with a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. That's ageism, heightism and weightism.
The poem also tells us Santa was dressed all in fur, so perhaps some animal rights activists ought to turn up to throw blood on him. He's probably mistreating those reindeer, too.
Finally, the Nickster smokes a pipe so enthusiastically that the smoke from it ``encircled his head like a wreath.'' He had better get himself a nicotine patch or forget about dropping any presents in public places.
A serious rewrite of ``The Nutcracker'' is also necessary to remove the blatant sexism. In the tale, a charming girl is whisked to fairy land, threatened by a mouse king and saved by a charming prince. What is she, a dishrag, a mere adjunct to some male?
In today's version, a feminist Clara would do her leaping about solo, high enough to shatter a glass ceiling whereupon she would become the leader of a corporate ratpack, not some victim of it. And any pas de deux in the ballet would not be a romantic interlude but would be danced at arm's length, not only to symbolize a reluctance to submit or commit but also the caution appropriate in an age of safe sex.
As to ``A Christmas Carol,'' what's so bad about Scrooge before those ghostly apparitions cause him to repent and reform? In some ways, he seems like a very contemporary figure.
You recall that he's visited by bleeding-heart liberals seeking a handout to help the disadvantaged. In response, Scrooge asks whether there are not prisons aplenty and workhouses and treadmills in operation.
``I can't afford to make idle people merry,'' he says. ``I help to support the establishments I have mentioned; they cost enough. And those who are badly off must go there.''
But, he is told, ``Many can't go there; and many would rather die.''
To which he replies: ``If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.''
In the old version, the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future pitch in to teach him the error of his ways, but times have changed.
In the modern rewrite, Scrooge goes to sleep, dreams the dreams of the innocent and awakes to find he's become - Speaker of the House. His first official act is to introduce legislation designed to kick Tiny Tim off welfare. by CNB