
DATE: Friday, October 24, 1997              TAG: 9710240798

SECTION: LOCAL                   PAGE: B1   EDITION: FINAL 

SOURCE: BY PAT DOOLEY, STAFF WRITER 

DATELINE: NORFOLK                           LENGTH:  144 lines

THE CHALLENGES OF GIVING CARE

People who care for aging family members were encouraged Thursday to overcome their embarrassment, fear or shame about using a four-letter word:

H-E-L-P.

``It's OK to say `help,' '' Brenda W. Mallery, a licensed clinical social worker, told about 150 family members and professionals gathered for a Fall Festival for Caregivers at First Baptist Church of Norfolk.

Ask for help for your loved one. Ask for help for yourself.

``You're not letting anyone down,'' said Mallery, who works with older adults at Virginia Beach Comprehensive Mental Health Services.

Between 18 million and 25 million Americans care for aging family members, according to the National Family Caregivers Association. About 80 percent of them are women.

More people enter nursing homes because their caregivers burn out than because their conditions worsen, the association says.

``A family is like a delicately balanced mobile,'' Mallery said at the daylong event sponsored by Hampton Roads Caregivers' Coalition, a group of agencies and individuals concerned with the care of older adults. When a family member becomes ill - with Alzheimer's disease or a stroke, for example - the mobile starts swinging.

Family members need to find their place, she said.

That means first accepting care receivers for who they are, and grieving the loss of who they once were.

``Feel it, go through it,'' Mallery told the group of mostly women.

``You grieve it much as you do a death - the death of an old relationship.''

Then, educate yourself about the loved one's disability and needs. Find a doctor who is open with you and willing to work with you.

Be realistic about the whole family's needs and resources. Taking an elderly relative into your home, for example, involves everyone in the household.

Set regular meetings for family members to express concerns and feelings.

Divide tasks, set rules, and be consistent in enforcing them, Mallery said.

One client who took in her mother gave the older woman a small bell to ring in emergencies. But the woman - long known for being feisty - would ring the bell every night at bedtime. The daughter and her family were losing sleep, but didn't know how to solve the problem.

It can be difficult to say ``no'' to someone who used to be our caregiver, Mallery explained to her client. But eruptions are less likely in relationships with clear boundaries.

So the family met, expressed its needs, set rules for use of the bell - only in emergencies - and attached a list of the guidelines to it.

Mallery said the menu of resources for caregivers is growing as people live longer and the numbers of seniors swells nationwide.

Services range from mental health counseling and support groups for the caregiver to transportation, meals, and day and respite programs for the care receiver.

But, often, the caregiver-to-be is unprepared for crisis and may not know what services exist.

``Until you have the need, you don't have the need,'' said Nancy Allan, chairman of the local caregivers' coalition.

Sue Moore of Virginia Beach had cared for her mother more than 20 years ago, after the older woman suffered a stroke.

Back then, there were no community-based services to call upon, said Moore, 76.

So when her husband, Abel, suffered a stroke in the middle of the night five years ago, Moore called one of her six children and an ambulance.

Her husband - who had formerly walked five miles a day - returned after two months in a rehabilitation center, unable to speak clearly or fully use his right arm and leg.

``I felt as much a victim of the stroke as he was,'' said Moore. She bathed him at his bedside, prepared his meals, fed him.

Although her children pitched in, her husband's needs were constant. And Sue Moore had her own health problems - two mastectomies in the last three years.

``I didn't have any help and didn't know where to find any,'' Moore said.

She turned to her minister at Diamond Springs Christian Church, which she and her husband had helped found. Four retired men from the church helped the Moores every day for three months.

Last year, Moore heard about a new day program operated by Sentara Health Care, where her husband could take part in activities and get medical attention.

Since then, he also has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Sue Moore sees little things, and worries.

But on the five days her husband spends at day care, she can rest. She likes to read and cook and go to church on Sundays. She also belongs to an Alzheimer's support group and a cancer support group.

``I feel like a strong person and I don't need all this help,'' said Moore, her daughter, 41-year-old Andrea Kilmer, at her side at Thursday's event. ``But I guess I do.''

People who care for aging parents or spouses say the loss of leisure time, change in family dynamics and feelings of isolation are their biggest burdens, the National Family Caregivers Association reports.

``It's plain hard work to care for someone round the clock,'' said Brinkley Craft Goranson, chaplain at Lake Taylor Hospital, also a speaker at Thursday's event.

Caring for self is essential, she said. Caregivers need emotional, physical and spiritual outlets.

She urged them to share their feelings with friends or a support group, to avoid isolation.

``Get plenty of sleep. Get plenty of exercise,'' she said. ``Nothing takes the place of a 20-minute walk in the fresh air.''

Goranson, a widow left with four children when her husband was killed in a plane crash, said it can be difficult for caregivers to leave their loved ones with others.

But getting away for a week or two, she said, can refresh the spirit, mind and body.

``Care for yourself,'' she told the group, ``so you can care for your family member.'' ILLUSTRATION: [Color Photo]

LOVED ONES IN NEED

TAMARA VONINSKI photos/The Virginian-Pilot

Mary Drumm, center, who cares for her 92-year-old mother at home,

listens to a panel discussion during the Fall Festival for

Caregivers on Thursday at the First Baptist Church of Norfolk. The

event was sponsored by Hampton Roads Caregivers' Association.

Andrea Kilmer, left, and her mother Sue Moore talk about the care

they give Abel Moore, Andrea's father and Sue's husband.

WHERE THE HELP IS

The list of community resources is growing for people caring for