Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, March 3, 1990                   TAG: 9003032578
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: 
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

DON'T BLAME ME IF MEDICARE GOES BANKRUPT

What I did was stop smoking, and now The Washington Post says I am supposed to live longer and will therefore be a burden on Social Security and Medicare.

I didn't know I was doing that when I hung up the Winston Light 100s. Gee. I was pretty proud of myself there for a while.

According to these people the Post interviewed, smokers have high medical bills, but this is offset by the fact that they die young and thus do not get a whole bunch of Social Security checks.

It is also assumed that since I no longer puff a pack or two a day, I will, in the long run, cost Medicare more than the smoker who checks out of this mortal coil at a relatively young age.

I honestly feel like a rat.

I recently went to the doctor, and he said I was pretty healthy. If I stay that way for any length of time, I will bankrupt the Social Security system.

Then, by the time my health begins to go, say at about 85, I will have all of these Medicare bills, and I will feel bad about that.

I don't want to be a burden on anybody. I now promise that if I make it to 85, I will start smoking again - even if cigarettes are outlawed and I have to get them from a bootlegger.

This may inspire fellow old people who have stopped smoking to light up again, too. Give us two, three months of puffing away and you won't have us to pick on anymore.

In the meantime, I guess the patriotic thing to do is try to kill myself by eating - which is not all that bad a way to go.

I may start by eating two dozen eggs a week. That will provide enough cholesterol to block the Big Walker Mountain Tunnel on Interstate 77.

Add a couple of thousand grams of fat in the bacon I will throw down along with these eggs - and the REAL butter on the English muffins and the grits - and somebody is going to be making arrangements for some last rites.

I am willing to do this to protect others. The fact that I may pass on with a smile on my face should not be emphasized.

I also would appreciate if you don't notice that I will weigh 350 pounds - which is enough to kill a person all by itself.

I will try to find a place where I can breathe in a lot of asbestos and radon gas.

I will take real deep breaths when I am pumping gas.

I think that's about all that can be expected of a non-smoker right now.

As we used to say in Radford: Pardon me for living - I just fell off a hearse.