Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, March 6, 1990 TAG: 9003061688
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
That is, the misfortune of the Perrier water people, and the recall of the beverage didn't bother me one bit.
No, sir. I was never one of those to have a little Perrier and lemon peel in the afternoon.
I don't drink bottled water unless there's been a flood or we're at one of those beaches where the tap water tastes like the runoff from a steel mill.
My youth was spent during a time in this country when you could have ruined your reputation by drinking bottled water.
Bottles were for homemade beer, which sometimes exploded after it was bottled and capped, usually in the middle of the night.
I had enough trouble fighting people who called me "Four Eyes," never mind having to defend myself against charges of drinking bottled water.
If I had done so and had been caught, somebody would have said: "Lookit old Four Eyes there, drinkin' water outta uh bottle. Nex' thing yew know he'll be usin' some uv that deodo-rant stuff."
This would have been enough provocation for a pretty good fistfight.
I think of my Irish uncles and can imagine how their sanity might have been threatened if someone had given them a bottle of water.
Right off, they would have found that the fancy bottle didn't fit into their pants pockets the way a plain pint of bottled-in-bond did.
This would have made them uneasy because they kind of needed a pint in their rear pockets to assure them of reality in a dreary world.
They also would have found out quickly that, in addition to coming in a pretty impractical container, this stuff had very little boom in it.
If these guys got a little fancy, they might have used a lemon for a chaser in one of their gin-drinking periods.
I know that this confession and little trip down memory lane is not going to do my image any good.
I know that many of you have imagined me to be very suave and debonair and absolutely addicted to Perrier water.
You probably imagined that we dressed for dinner and sat around drinking Perrier before going to the table at 8 - where we ate really healthy food like broiled fish and junk like that.
You probably imagined me popping into the living room and saying: "Anyone for raquetball?"
Nah. I'm partial to a little bourbon and water, and supper better be on the table by 6 o'clock or I get a little hot under my sweatshirt.
by CNB