Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, March 17, 1990                   TAG: 9003162519
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E8   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: The New York Times
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

HELPING THEM LEARN RIGHT FROM WRONG

\ Begin talking about moral and ethical issues very early.

Although a discussion with a toddler has its limits, the child can begin to learn that actions have consequences and that other people have feelings.

"If parents wait until they think a child is ready to talk about moral issues, they've waited too long," said Dr. Lawrence J. Walker, an associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver who studies the development of moral reasoning.

\ Help children see the relationship between their actions and the consequences.

Those connections, while obvious to adults, are not always clear to children. Instead of saying, "Don't do that!" to a child who is hitting another child, it's more useful to say, "Don't do that! It hurts him."

"That helps the child see the results of his behavior," said Dr. Judith Grace Smetana, an associate professor of education, psychology and pediatrics at the University of Rochester. "That gives the child two sources of information: what the parent says and the crying of the other child."

\ Don't lecture children about morality.

"Children need a moral compass from the adults around them," said Dr. William Damon, a professor of education at Brown University and the author of "The Moral Child" (Free Press, $9.95).

"They won't get that if all they hear are unrealistic lectures," Damon said. "It's much more effective to share your feelings and show how you struggle with values."

\ When you talk about moral issues with your children, ask a lot of open-ended questions.

Have they thought about this aspect of the problem? What do they think the other person is feeling?

"Parents who ask the right questions rather than simply lecture or criticize seem to be more effective," Walker said. These questions gently challenge the children's thinking by checking their understanding of the problem. It's also useful to help them examine their thoughts by paraphrasing what they have said.

\ Use movies, television programs and commercials as teaching tools.

Talk about the moral values held by various characters on the television shows and movies they enjoy. What other decisions might the characters have made? What values are the television commercials promoting?

\ Don't try to appear to be morally perfect to your children.

"That gives them a discouraging message because they know they're imperfect," Damon said.