Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, March 20, 1990 TAG: 9003202517
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Wire and staff reports
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
"Do you have complete plumbing facilities in this house or apartment?"
"Do you have a second or junior mortgage or a home-equity loan on this property?"
Quit yawning. Answers to these titillating questions are precisely what your government wants you to divulge when it hands out the official 1990 census forms this week.
This information tells consumer groups, marketers and government officials such diverse information as the consumer price index, voter participation in the United States, outstanding credit debt and the average farm acreage.
Several of the questions are pretty boring, even though the agency had 10 years to think about these things.
You know there are more important things than how much you spend on oil, coal, kerosene or wood. (The census really wants to know that tidbit).
Here are some of the more thought-provoking questions that won't be a part of your census packet:\ Define "rich":
a) $1 more than you make.
b) When you can't think of anything else to buy.
c) When you don't want anyone to know how much you have.
d) When you don't buy lottery tickets anymore.
e) When you can actually talk about a house mortgage instead of your rent.
f) When your other car really is a Mercedes.
\ When is it a clear (no air pollution) day?
a) When you can see your house.
b) When you can see your neighbor's house.
c) When you can see to the corner.
d) When you can see your toes.
e) When you can see the mailbox at the end of your driveway.
f) A what?
\ What do you wear to exercise?
a) An oxygen tank.
b) A tan.
c) Exercise what?
d) A giant bag.
e) A seat belt.
f) A cellular phone.
\ Do you live in a mall?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Yes and no.
d) Is this a trick question?
e) No, but I will if it has a yogurt shop.
\ How many vampires in your family?
a) Zero.
b) 1 to 5.
c) 6 to 10.
d) Tom Petty has them all.
e) 3, if teen-agers count.
\ Do you spend more time in the car or your house?
a) My car, because pollution in the air can't get me.
b) My house, because my car died.
c) Neither; in the mall.
d) My car; it has a better stereo system.
\ Do you think minivans should be considered alternative housing?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Only when you're in the process of installing plumbing fixtures.
\ What's your favorite form of home entertainment?
a) Videos.
b) Adult videos.
c) Watching the Trumps slug it out on "A Current Affair."
d) Complaining.
\ What's the predominant architecture in your neighborhood?
a) Neo-Faison.
b) Flood-plain revivalist.
c) Greek freeway.
d) 20th Century (Fox) Tudor.
e) Lego.
\ What does your water taste like?
a) Iron.
b) Dirt.
c) Plastic.
d) Swimming-pool water.
e) An oil spill.
f) Perrier.
\ How do you get your news?
a) On the radio.
b) At the newsstand.
c) In your bare feet.
d) In your bathrobe.
e) From your attorney.
f) From "Entertainment Tonight."
\ Where do your children get their education?
a) Pee-wee Herman.
b) Dr. Ruth.
c) Kids down the street.
d) New Kids on the Block.
e) Mario Brothers.
f) Off the back of a cereal box.
\ What's your favorite ethnic restaurant?
a) Chinese.
b) Italian.
c) Brazilian-Italian.
d) Italian-Brazilian.
e) Chinese.
f) Mexican.
g) McDonald's.
\ What's your favorite credit card?
a) Visa.
b) MasterCard.
c) American Express.
d) Miller and Rhoads.
e) Credit? What's credit?
The correct answers to all these questions is z) all of the above. Give yourself 2.5 points for every correct answer. There is no need to total your score.
And now that you've had experience answering our senseless census, you'll be even more prepared for the real thing.
Don't forget - it's due by April 1.
by CNB