Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, March 27, 1990                   TAG: 9003270029
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: EVENING 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IF I HAD A SPOKESMAN...

But I did see a story the other day in which a spokesman for Marla Maples denied that Donald Trump is dumping her and added that she is thinking of becoming a singer.

I don't care if Donald Trump dumps Marla Maples, and she can become the female version of Slim Whitman, for all I care.

What interests me about such goings-on between famous people is that they say all kinds of things through other people.

I assume these other people are paid to do this. I don't think you go around being a spokesperson for Donald Trump or Marla Maples for nothing.

What I am getting at here is this: What if all of us who are not famous could afford spokespersons?

It is true that nobody would be interested in asking a spokesperson for a non-famous person anything, but it is still an interesting idea.

As in:

"Ben Beagle said through a spokesman today that he has no intention of leaving his wife of 38 years to run off to Samoa with a woman half his age.

" `Bennie is not the type to run off with a bimbo,' the spokesman said. `All of the Beagle family's massive wealth is in joint accounts, and even if Bennie took it all himself, he could probably stay in Samoa for about a week - if the bimbo bought her own meals and paid her own air fare.' "

"Bennie himself was in seclusion. Intimate friends said he was hiding out in a pup tent on Jennings Creek."

Or, to get back to reality:

"Ben Beagle said through a spokesman today that he is not going to dump his old lawn mower right away but is `looking around for a good buy in a new one.'

"The spokesman said reports that Beagle has already made a decision to buy a new mower are groundless.

"It is true, the spokesman said, that Beagle was seen salivating over several new Lawn Boys, but this was described as `just another rite of spring.'

"The spokesman said Beagle was not in seclusion and anybody who wants to see him can visit happy Highfields Roads anytime as long as they bring their own beer and pork rinds.

" `He can also be seen on the City Market any old day looking at the over-priced Mexican tomatoes,' the spokesman said.

" `The blonde bombshell who has been seen with Beagle and mentioned as a possible "other woman" is in fact a lawn mower salesperson from Vinton,' the spokesman said."