Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SUNDAY, April 8, 1990                   TAG: 9004060239
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-11   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: MARY JO KOCHAKIAN THE HARTFORD COURANT
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

DROP IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY IS NORMAL FOR NEW PARENTS

"It's not just my problem," he said. "Apparently it's a national problem."

He, like Mike Doonesbury, was feeling deprived. He was ready to resume an active sexual life after the birth of their daughter. His wife, like J.J., had become more interested in sleep than sex.

It's not just the exhaustion from tending to a baby that can interfere with a couple's lovemaking. Having a baby can markedly change a person's your perceptions, as a mother of a preschooler recalls:

"I was with this little baby all day, and he was so soft and pink and tiny . . . and then [my husband] would get undressed, and he'd be a big man. . . . It was like a shock.

"I guess for a while I was more interested in the baby and baby things, and I identified more with the baby than I did with other adults. I felt that sex was too big a switch," she says. "But when I got back to work, things kind of evened out. I felt more like an adult."

All kinds of complications can interfere. There can be a fear that intercourse will be painful after childbirth. A mother can be so involved with the baby that the father may feel left out and resentful. A woman may feel unattractive; a man may feel that since his wife has become a mother, it's somehow inappropriate to consider her the sexual partner he once did.

It's certain, though, that sex will be different.

It helps to realize the changes are normal, says Ava Kordansky, a psychotherapist specializing in marriage and family, practicing with Silverman and Associates in West Hartford. "It's not going to be the same. And it's not going to be the same for many, many weeks to come," she says.

The "Doonesbury" scenario is typical, says Ronald Goldstein, a psychologist who teaches courses in human sexuality and who practices at Delaware Valley Psychological Clinic in Morrisville, Pa. "If he feels she's just not as sexual as she was in the past, and he feels less loved sexually and emotionally because she's just going through the motions . . . that's probably going to affect their relationship," he says.

Couples have to communicate with each other about the issue, Kordansky and Goldstein say. "It's the old story - if you don't talk about it, things can get worse and affect other areas of the relationship," Goldstein says.

Other advice:

If the mother is the primary caretaker, the father should become involved with baby care. "It gives Mom a break, and Dad feels more included," Kordansky says. "A woman needs to do something for herself that makes her feel good and gives her some energy."

Mothers should give their partners "some TLC," she says - maybe something like a massage. Dads could bring home small gifts or flowers. Such gestures are important.

Get a sitter as soon as possible on a regular basis. It gives the couple a chance to focus on their own relationship, away from the baby.

Simplify life. Eat takeout food to avoid cooking at times; use paper plates. You'll have more time for each other.