Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, April 10, 1990                   TAG: 9004100072
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BUT I LIKED WORRYING ABOUT THE KILLER BEES

The Associated Press says the U.S. Agriculture Department has assured us that hordes of these bees are not going to trap us in our automobiles or sting us to death while crawling all over our bodies and making us look nasty.

"Even though mass stinging attacks are terrifying and could be life-threatening, they are not common," a department report said.

Isn't that great, knowing that your taxes are being spent properly?

The department said the danger of fatal auto accidents is much greater than the chances of being stung to death one noon when you're out on your power walk.

I'll drink to that. I'd rather take my chances with killer bees than Virginia 419 at 5 p.m.

The department had some advice on avoiding any kind of bee sting: "If you find yourself near large numbers of honeybees, calmly and quickly move away from the area."

Of course, you could say the same thing about avoiding really mean bulls, elephants or tigers, but the way our government writes weird sentences is not my point here.

My point is that I kind of liked worrying about the killer bees.

There was something about these little devils that got me a little crazy.

I found them to be valuable when I was called on to perform certain outdoor chores on our modest estate. As in:

"I'm sorry, my little geranium blossom, but I am afraid to cut down the tree that is blocking all of the sun from the garden.

"I believe it to be the secret haven for killer bees, and that, my fine lass, is a very bad way to go.

"You will recall how those yellow jackets, a mere dozen or so, nearly wasted yours truly several years ago."

And then I could describe this movie and how this scientist tore his special protective suit and was covered up with killer bees and started screaming "arrrggh!" and how nasty he looked with bees crawling all over him.

To be truthful, this scientist was a very bad actor, and I was kind of glad he finally tore his suit.

Of course, nobody paid any attention to me or to killer bees, but this routine often bought me a little time - until it started raining, for example.

No more. The agriculture department has blown my cover.

I had to do something. The other night I was asked to take out the garbage.

"Righto, my little lotus blossom," I said. "Of course, there is the matter of all those killer squirrels out there."