Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, April 11, 1990 TAG: 9004110241
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Before I did anything like that, I talked to my friend Felicity, who knows lots about manners and customs and life.
Felicity was on her veranda, wearing a shawl against the early April chill.
"Well, Felicity," I said, "what do you think of good old Hef becoming a daddy at 64?"
"Ah well know, deah," she said, "thet ab-soh-lute hordes uv puhsons will be thinkin' thet this is uh little bit hahd tuh tek, but one has tuh look at it anothuh way entirely."
"Yes, um, well, what way is thet - I mean that?" I asked.
"Well, suh, fah frum mekkin him th' victim uv eyeball-rollin' and tut-tuttin', people ought tuh see thet Mistah Hefnah is uh brave man," Felicity said.
"Because he married the Playmate of the Year for 1988?" I asked.
"Hush, boah," Felicity said. "Yew nevah hev bin one tuh unduhstand th' subtleties uv this lahf.
"Whut Ah am tryin tuh git intuh thet pea brain uv yoahs is thet Mistah Hefnah will be 80 yeahs old when thet young 'un gits to be 16 and goes crazy lahk all them teen-aguhs do."
"Yew jest think uv that poah fellow, dressed in one of those silk robes he weahs, peekin' out th' winda uv th' Playboah Mansion at 3 in th' mahnin' waitin' foah th' boah tuh bring home th' Porsche he got foah his buthday.
"An' he'll be jist puffickly frantic, and he'll ask th' boah wheah he's bin all this tahm, and th' boah'll say, `Oh, jist talkin' with th' boahs.' "
"Yes, well, that does sound tough, Felicity, but -," I said.
"An' then whut happens when th' boah starts growin' his hayah long or in one uv those spahks and starts acting funny aroun th' pool in front of uv all them haf-nekkid bunnies?" Felicity said. "Not tuh mention all thet heavah metal he listens tuh."
"I don't think Missus Hefner allows any bunnies around anymore, Felicity," I said. "And, besides, people who act funny are not big news to Hugh Hefner."
"Nevahth'less," Felicity said, ignoring me and adjusting her shawl beautifully, "Ah feel sorry foah Mistah Hefnah when he gits th' word on Thanksgivin' Eve thet his boah has totaled th' Porsche on th' freeway."
As usual, Felicity's good taste and good sense brought me over to her view.
"Yoah're raht, Felicity," I said. "Ah've spent uh lotta tahm at th' winda uv th' Beagle Mansion lookin' fer uh boah in uh 1967 Impala, which got itseff totaled."
" 'Cept Ah always woah this terrahcloth robe with mustahd stains on th' sleeves."
by CNB