Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, April 24, 1990 TAG: 9004240046
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
But I also believe it went too far in an article in the Ladies Home Journal in which it suggested we test our kids to see what kind of shape they're in.
For instance, our man Herkie takes a stopwatch and his two kids, Bertrand and Fiomela, out for a little running and walking test.
He needs the stopwatch to make sure Bertrand, who is 6 years old, finishes in precisely 12 minutes, 36 seconds.
Fiomela, who is 9 and a girl, should finish in 11 minutes, 52 seconds.
Aside from the demeaning aspect of using a stopwatch on your own children like you would on a racehorse if you had one, I believe that such activities are going to appeal to a male parent's baser and macho instincts.
I always say that when you give a man who is not doing the running a stopwatch, you have created a monster.
Some of you parents may now wish to leave and do the laundry or mow the lawn. The picture I am going to paint is not a pretty one.
One morning, Bertrand, mainly because of a bad hamstring, makes it in 14 minutes.
"All right, all right," Herkie says. "Quit loafing in there, Bertrand. I've got cheerleaders who can run faster than that. We all got to play hurt, kiddo. The best defense against the pass is the quarterback lying in a pool of blood. Let's go."
Halfway through the next mile, Bertrand pulls the hamstring and lies writhing on the ground.
"Okay, bigshot," his father says. "You can lay off for a while. But you better not be doggin' it, boy. The future is now as far as I'm concerned. OK, Filomena, baby, let's see you run, and keep those knees high."
Filomena is off by six seconds and her father sends her to the showers.
"I dunno what to do with these kids," he tells his wife, Antigone. "Maybe if you'd let me have that special training table we were talking about, we could get them on the ball."
"If you don't stop this nonsense, you macho cretin, I am going to call the cops," Antigone says.
But Herkie is too far gone now to listen to anybody.
"All right you kids, listen up," he says. "We've still got the sit-ups, the flexibility exercise and the upper-body strength drills to do. Move it! Move it! Move it!"
And shortly after Bertrand falls from a pull-up bar three seconds short of regulation hangtime, the cops arrive.
Herkie does time while the kids get soft, but happy.
by CNB