Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, April 24, 1990 TAG: 9004240078
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Beth Macy Staff Writer
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
A few years ago, after the closing of a Tennessee women's art symposium Miller had organized, she noticed she had become the subject of a pointedly bad joke.
She'd hired her husband's ex-wife, a photographer, to take pictures of the art show's opening. But when the proofs came back, there was something strange about them: All the photos were great, except for the ones taken of Miller - they'd been shot at an extremely wide angle, grotesquely magnifying her face.
"So I thought we should give all the wives a camera and have them photograph their husbands' ex-wives as they see them," says Miller. "And then we'll have a gallery showing and call it `Old Wives Tales.' "
While the photo project never materialized ("fear of lawsuits and murder," Miller explains dryly), a ground-breaking research project did.
For the past year, Miller has interviewed more than 100 women about the effects their husbands' ex-wives have on their marriages, garnering anecdotes that range from droll to dangerous.
Although much research has been done on divorce, second marriages and blended families, she is thought to be the first sociologist to tackle the sticky subject of ex-wives.
Miller, 38, is a sociology professor and director of the Hollins College adult studies program. Personal experience weighed heavily in selecting the topic - for 10 years, Miller has been married to a man with an ex-wife, in addition to being an ex-wife herself.
In two years, she hopes to publish her findings, along with suggestions for coping with ex-wives. The book, naturally, will be called "Old Wives Tales." She's even halfheartedly considering dedicating it to her husband's ex-wife.
Judging from the interviews Miller has conducted so far, most of them with white middle-class professional women in Southwest Virginia, she's sure she's hit on a timely topic.
Miller has a large population to study. Three-fourths of all second marriages involve situations dealing with ex-wives.
Nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce, although the divorce rate has declined slightly in recent years. For those who remarry, the divorce rate is an even higher 60 percent.
"No one counts on the intensity of the ex-wife's involvement in a second marriage," Miller says. She believes that ex-spouses may be a contributing factor to the failure of so many second marriages.
"No one tells you when you're going into a second marriage that there will be another person involved. It's more like, `Oh, he was married before,' and you don't really think about it."
Just because a judge declares a marriage over, it doesn't mean the spouses' relationship comes to a screeching halt. Often, couples have a 10- or 20-year history that is hard to break away from, or children are involved.
And husbands, in many cases, are unaware of how sensitive the issue is.
Once Miller got into the interviewing process, she realized her work was not only furthering her own academic efforts; it was also giving her interviewees a long overdue catharsis.
Interviews for sociological studies typically take about 40 minutes. But when Miller sat down with each of her subjects, she found the sessions developing into two- and three-hour talks.
"Some of the women said it was the best therapy they could have had," Miller says. "And the thing is, I don't say a word; I just let them talk.
"Most women, though, don't have anyone to talk to about this. If they're troubled by an ex-wife, it usually becomes a major secret - like having a fight with your spouse; you don't want your friends to find out about it."
The ex-spouse phenomenon remains a hidden topic partly because it is relatively new, Miller says, and a clear-cut role has not yet emerged.
Although divorce didn't become commonplace until recent decades, there has been no real change in the numbers of ending marriages. In the 1800s and early 1900s, people typically died much younger than they do today; more women, for instance, died in childbirth and more men in accidents. As improvements in sanitation and medicine have emerged, life expectancy has dramatically increased and is now just under 80 years.
"Before, if you were tired of your spouse, chances are he'd die out on you and you'd be OK," Miller says. "So there were dissolutions of marriage at earlier ages, not by divorce but by death."
Miller says she's been surprised by the range of emotions the interviewees have expressed, and particularly by the large number of violent scenarios she's heard.
One recently married woman related an incident in which her husband's ex-wife snuck in the house and attempted to strangle her while she was watching television. The woman managed to fight the ex-wife off, and eventually enrolled in self-defense courses to quell her fears of future attacks.
Another woman told of her own over-sensitivity - and her husband's under-sensitivity - by relating this story: One day, they were driving past a Salvation Army store when he pointed to a sweater in the window display, and said, "That's the sweater I gave my ex-wife the first Christmas we were married."
To the husband, it was a funny incident; it showed how little the gift meant to the ex-wife. But to the wife, it was a painful reminder of how close the husband had once been to his first wife.
"You just wish that things like that would never come up," Miller says.
Kind of like when you were in junior high school, and your boyfriend's old girlfriend comes up to him and asks if he heard "their song" on the radio this morning - or any other remark that lets you know they were once close.
"We think we grow out of stages where we're prone to jealousies, but we really don't," she says.
Miller offers these tips for women who are faced with a bothersome ex-wife situation:
Realize that the relationship you're in now is current and that you probably have more control than you believe.
Exert that control. "If the ex-wife calls at a bad time, say, `We're eating dinner now,' and you'll have him call her back as soon as dinner's over. It may put a damper on the dinner, but at least you'll have control."
Try to be sympathetic to the ex-wife, within reason. Try to look beyond what she says for clues to what she's really feeling. What are her real needs?
Recognize that the situation is long-term. Try not to be upset by every contact the ex-wife makes with your husband.
Miller's husband's ex-wife "has taken to calling or writing him at his office, and at first I was offended by it," Miller says. "But I do trust him, so I've learned not to worry about it every time they talk.
"And does it matter if you know all the contacts they have as long as there's trust? What's to be gained by knowing?"
Before you marry someone who has an ex-wife, be sure you feel secure in the relationship - particularly if this is your first marriage. Miller recommends lengthy engagements; consider seeking the advice of a counselor with your fiance.
by CNB