Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, April 26, 1990 TAG: 9004260474
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By BETH MACY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
At the same time, California psychotherapist Marjorie Shaevitz was frantically working on a book called "The Superwoman Syndrome." The theme of her book, which quickly became a best-seller, contradicted the notion that the '80s woman could and should have it all.
People like Claire Huxtable on "The Cosby Show" - a successful attorney who's tall and beautiful, wears dress-for-success suits and carries Gucci bags, and has five wonderful children and a doctor/husband who's around the house most of the time - what Twilight Zone did she walk out of?
And furthermore, where is her housekeeper hiding?
In the '80s, Shaevitz said, women wanted to be like Superwoman, the woman who could do and have it all - the career woman, the loving wife and mother, the church volunteer, the beauty queen, the girl-next-door who was forever doing favors for everyone.
"In the '90s, women don't want to be Superwoman, but they don't know what to do to prevent it," said Shaevitz, the keynote speaker for the women's center's sixth annual forum, held Tuesday.
"They're leading quiet, desperate lives, thinking they're all alone - and typically seeing themselves as idiosyncratic failures."
In an interview and during her speech, Shaevitz talked about her own life as a "recovering Superwoman," and how the '90s woman can learn to balance her complex lifestyle.
More than 250 women and a few men attended Shaevitz's lecture - a turnout that signaled to Julia Keith just how widespread the Superwoman Syndrome has become.
"More people registered for this forum than ever before. That says a lot about the interest of this topic," said Keith, coordinator of the Center for Women's Health. "We're seeing many women here who are getting close to burn-out in every aspect of their lives, and they don't know where to go."
For Shaevitz, who counsels Superwoman-types in addition to co-directing the Institute for Family and Work Relationships in La Jolla, Calif., the writing is on the wall.
"Women are dropping like flies," Shaevitz said. "They're entering hospitals more often, smoking is up, obesity is up, heart disease is up. . . . Superwoman feels like she has to be sick in order to take care of herself; she doesn't notice she's near exhaustion - to her, exhaustion is a normal state."
Symptoms of the Superwoman Syndrome typically characterize stress: fatigue, aches and pains, insomnia, depression, anger, resentment and guilt.
And no wonder, says Shaevitz. Women typically work 20 to 25 hours more per week than men, counting work done both inside and outside of the home.
Superwomen have created what Shaevitz calls an "overwork chic," where they swap horror stories about how swamped their lives are, and compete to see who's busier. To Superwomen, women who lead healthy, balanced lives are suspect, considered lazy and sloughing off.
And the media have reinforced that notion - the old Enjoli commercials, for instance, or Claire Huxtable, or even those ads for the white-glove-clean, decorator bathrooms with fresh-cut flowers and hanging vines ("Where are all the dirty towels? . . . And who waters those plants?" Shaevitz asked dryly).
Superwomen are of all ages and types, Shaevitz said. Typically they are women who deny being overworked and overwhelmed. They can be married or single, a mother or not, a professional or a volunteer, a college student or a grandmother.
Ironically, Shaevitz herself nearly fell apart during the writing of "The Superwoman Syndrome." While working intensely, she was raising two young children as well as running a business with her husband, also a therapist.
As part of her own recovery plan, she has learned to put her family and herself at the top of her priority list. And she's in no rush to write the sequel to "The Superwoman Syndrome," tentatively titled "Superwoman Doesn't Live Here Anymore: How to Thrive, Not Just Survive, in the '90s."
Here are some of Shaevitz's tips for beating the Superwoman Syndrome:
Never say yes to anyone without thinking seriously about it first. If someone asks you out for coffee, for instance, be gracious and thank them for their offer, but say you need to check your schedule first.
Physically separate yourself from the person while deciding. Shaevitz uses this formula: On a scale of 1 to 10, ask yourself these two questions - How much do you want to do it? And how important is it?
If the combined score is 13 or under, you should probably decline the invitation politely, counter-offering for another time, or asking for a rain check.
Know who and what your priorities are, and make sure your behavior reflects that. "Spend time with who's really important to you. . . . Dump the trash people and events in your life."
Whenever possible, learn to buy, barter and delegate. "If men can hire someone to fix the toilet, you can hire someone to clean it. . . . Act as effectively in your home as you do in your work place."
Set limits on the time you spend doing chores and errands. Delegate housework to your spouse and children.
"Don't just hope they'll do it, or notice you're working yourself to death doing it. You have to ask them for help - and then don't criticize them when they do it. Reward the kind of behavior you want."
Take better care of yourself; nobody else will. Make time to be alone and relax. Know who and what is good for you, physically and emotionally.
"Know that you're being a role model, too," Shaevitz added. "And please, teach your sons to pick up after themselves."
by CNB