Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, April 28, 1990 TAG: 9004280085
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: EVE GLICKSMAN NEW YORK TIMES SYNDICATION SERVICE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
Carol brings home a report card with three A's and one B. Her parents question her about the B and barely acknowledge the A's.
Stacey's husband and friends tell her she looks terrific. She thinks people are saying it just to make her feel good.
While we've all been taught to do our best, some of us take that "best" to an unhealthy extreme. These are the perfectionists for whom good is never quite good enough. "No, you haven't quite got it yet" is the message that plays over and over in their minds despite solid achievements and admiration from others.
Michael Ascher, a psychologist at Temple University Hospital in Philadelphia, Pa., describes the perfectionist as someone who has trouble discriminating between realistic and idealized standards. Perfectionists bypass attainable excellence in pursuit of unattainable perfection, concurs Philadelphia psychologist Elliott B. Rotman, who has lectured on the subject. "Even when they've done an excellent job, they'll pick apart what they did, looking for the one defect," says Rothman.
It could be a teen, upset that only four - not five - of the colleges she applied to accepted her. It could be a working parent, constantly tormented that she's not giving her all to either her career or family. It could be a 45-year-old man who doesn't get married because he's always sure someone more compatible exists.
What follows is self-punishment, usually in the form of anxiety, guilt and shame. "Perfectionists set themselves up to feel bad," says Laura Gottfried, a clinical social worker at Jewish Family and Children's Service in Philadelphia, Pa. "Having high expectations puts intense pressure on them not to make a mistake. The side effect is stress."
A fear of rejection - not ambitious motives - often accounts for this consuming need to excel, say behavioral experts. Beginning in childhood, perfectionists are afraid they're not going to be loved if they don't perform spectacularly. Straining to please parents, friends and teachers, they feel worthless if they fail to win everyone's approval. Without intervention the problem can evolve into a lifelong obsession with achievement.
The seemingly noble goal of setting high standards frequently backfires. "It's like emotionally and mentally beating yourself up," says Rotman. "Perfectionists can never give themselves credit for success. The result is low self-esteem. If you can never do it right, you'll never feel good about yourself."
He tells a joke about a mother who gives her son two sweaters. When the son arrives to visit, wearing one of the wools, she asks, "What's the matter, didn't you like the other one?"
Psychologists agree that perfectionism can seriously hamper one's capacity to enjoy life. Setting impossible goals can result in persistent feelings of inadequacy, physical ailments from sleeplessness to ulcers to high blood pressure, eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia and even suicide in extreme cases. Co-workers and family members suffer too if they are targets of the perfectionist's insatiable discontent.
Perfectionism tends to run in families. "If you make high demands on yourself you will likely make high demands on your children," Ascher says. Children, in turn, internalize the parent's unrealistic standards.
Firstborns also run a higher risk of perfectionism. Because they don't have older siblings to emulate, they model themselves after their parents. In addition, new parents, because of their inexperience, often have higher expectations for firstborns, according to Ascher. All this goes double for only children, who may be a parent's sole focus and hope for the future.
Children of alcoholics or workaholics are similarly vulnerable to perfectionism. For these children success is a way to please a parent or escape wrath. Children in any kind of troubled family are especially susceptible to perfectionism, adds Rotman, because they're often asked to assume the role of an adult in holding the family together.
Parents who don't express praise and affection - usually suffering from low self-esteem themselves - are unwitting springs of perfectionism as well, Rotman says. If children don't get a clear message early on of what is good or acceptable, they may go through life feeling they haven't made the mark.
Perfectionists may have trouble identifying themselves as such because the very nature of their problem makes them unable to see that their expectations are unrealistic, Gottfried points out. You may be able to spot it in your children, though, she says. If they seem to have a hard time making decisions, ask if they're afraid of making a mistake, she suggests.
As for diagnosing yourself, Ascher recommends listening to the comments of people around you. "Are others' evaluations of you always higher than what you think yourself?" he asks. If people are continually telling you you're doing a magnificent job and you're inwardly critical of your performance, you're probably a perfectionist, says Ascher.
The difference between a perfectionist and someone with high standards is that the latter will not devalue himself, Rotman says. The person with a healthy desire for excellence will be able to assess both the good and bad aspects of his performance; the perfectionist summarily dismisses what he's done as substandard and discounts any positive feedback. Invariably, selective attention is paid to the one thing that was wrong, Rotman notes.
Some people restrict their perfectionism to one area, such as cooking, athletics or fashion, while others strive for the unreachable in everything they do. In either case, a few of the following characteristics are likely to emerge: low tolerance for mistakes, difficulty in decision-making, extreme concern with personal appearance, dawdling over creative tasks, procrastination, a constant need to be reassured, reluctance to try new activities, anxiety over tests, jealousy, competitiveness and self-deprecation. Other clinical problems such as depression or anxiety may also be linked to perfectionism.
The prognosis is good, however, for those who seek professional help. With treatment, perfectionists can learn to feel better about themselves and scale down their expectations to more attainable planes, psychologists have found. The following are tips from the experts for reducing perfectionism in yourself and your children:
Accept your limits. "At some point say to yourself, `I've done as much as I can do,' " suggests Ascher. By at least having the insight that you expect a lot of yourself, you can adjust your perfectionism to a livable level, he says. Also, while some fear that relaxing standards will discourage a child's best performance, studies show that perfectionism tends to interfere with achievement - not improve it.
Reward effort, not achievement. Let your child know that what's important is that he's trying. Instead of focusing on the outcome (e.g., a report card), praise him for his effort (class participation). "Perfectionists confuse what they do with what they are," says Rotman, who adds that it's a parent's job to instill a strong sense of self-worth in his or her child, regardless of what the child does.
Encourage experimentation and set realistic goals. Instead of shying away from activities you're not good at, try them and urge your child to take risks along with you. At the same time Rotman advises adults who push their children to excel in numerous activities to examine whether it's something the child really wants or whether it merely satisfies a parent's desire.
Develop a healthy attitude about mistakes. "The ultimate task of the perfectionist is to accept that he or she is a human being who makes mistakes," says Gottfried. Instead of fretting about mistakes, laugh at them and teach your child to do the same.
Accept your child and make this acceptance known. Avoid qualified praise ("I liked you in the play, but you should've spoken louder") and give your child lots of opportunities to show his or her abilities, says Rotman. When you do need to criticize, be specific, he continues. Rather than use a negative label such as "slob," tell the child exactly what needs to change - "There is clothing on the floor and the bed isn't made."
Identify your inner critic for whom nothing is ever right. Most likely it's the voice of a parent and by understanding the voice you may be able to silence it or change the content of the message, says Rotman. For instance, it may be that you need to forgive yourself for not meeting your parents' standards. If this is the problem, says Rotman, it might help to talk about it with your parents, asking them why they minimized your successes and letting them know how it affected you. 1990, Eve Glicksman
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