
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, April 30, 1990                   TAG: 9004300243
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A11   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Sue Lindsey Editorial Writer
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

FOR MEN TO CHANGE, WOMEN MUST

A SURVEY of American women shows they increasingly think men are mean, manipulative, oversexed, self-centered and lazy. I imagine the men who read the poll results in this newspaper the other day had a few choice thoughts about women, too.

Here's another blow for feminism, I thought when I read the story. The struggle to get beyond the bra-burning, anti-male perception of the women's movement just had another setback.

Twenty years ago, two-thirds of the women responding to a Roper Organization poll thought most men were "basically kind, gentle and thoughtful." Only half of the 3,000 women polled recently thought so. I expect that's a fairly accurate reading.

But what does it mean? Is gentility among American males passe? Have the men who were around 20 years ago turned into self-centered boors, and coached their sons to follow suit? I don't think so. I think the survey results say a lot more about women than they do about men.

One thing they say is that women's expectations have changed. Tolerance for sexism has decreased. But the message I hear loudest and clearest is: frustration.

In the 20 years since the last Roper poll, American women have entered the work force in unprecedented numbers. And most of them are there to stay. Few women these days go to work with plans to quit when they marry or have children. They are on career paths.

The problem is that the housework these women left behind when they went to the office is waiting for them when they get home at night. For the most part, it's still Mom who buys groceries, fixes dinner, cleans the house, does the laundry, helps with homework.

Mom has been stretched to the breaking point, and she's angry. Men - especially the ones who can come home from work, sit down and watch TV without a shred of guilt - are the logical target for this anger.

Can men be blamed for this Superwoman overload? Has it happened because men are self-centered and lazy? I don't think it's fair to apply those labels. Sure, the division of labor is out of balance in most two-career families. But women can't expect the men in their lives to come home one day and decide they want more to do around the house. I certainly don't go looking for extra chores; why should men?

So what happens? Do working women have to accept exhaustion as a way of life and make their funeral arrangements?

Marjorie Shaevitz, author of a book called "Superwoman Syndrome," spoke last week at Community Hospital's women's forum and had some ideas for change. For one thing, she suggested restricting the hours for doing chores and running errands. For another, she suggested finding a way to delegate responsibility.

I don't have a lot of answers on how to do that, but I believe women who take care of others must learn to take care of themselves. And I know that what I do speaks more loudly than what I say. I can ask for help, but nothing's likely to change as long as everything essential gets done anyway. Some people have to run out of underwear before they'll do laundry.

I think realigning the workload at home is a difficult process, but I believe society is working through it. The Roper results say that to me. I hope women will insist on a lot more changes in their lives in the next 20 years. In 2010, I'd like to see a big increase in the number of women who tell Roper they think men are kind, gentle and thoughtful.

by CNB