
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, May 8, 1990                   TAG: 9005080518
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A9   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: PETER R. RONY
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

GRIEF OVER SON'S DEATH

MY SON, Glenn David, age 19, a sophmore physics student at Virginia Tech, was electrocuted on May 2, 1987. A nice and decent kid, nevertheless the fault was his alone: He was "out with the boys," had one too many beers, and engaged in a stupid stunt - climbing up a telephone pole.

He went up and down once and lived to tell the tale. As a consequence of his second trip, his family was plunged into a nightmare, some aspects of which were captured in the first article of Mike Hudson's series, "When a child dies: Parents struggle to recover."

One week after my son's death, I purchased a book that I consider to be the very best on the subject: "Beyond Endurance: When a Child Dies," by Ronald Knapp. The book read as if it were 155 families communicating their experiences to a grieving parent.

Of several points that impressed me - the individuality of the grieving process, the absence of a timetable for grief, the initial need to preserve the environment of the child, and the progression of the grief process - the one fact that stood out above all others was that the death of a child was an assault on the family. Divorce rates were described as being very high.

For example, the Roanoke Times & World-News article mentioned The Compassionate Friends' estimate that "75 percent or more of marriages end in divorce after a child dies." The family unit is at risk; the potential exists for compounding the tragedy of the child's death. Every relative and friend should understand this point.

In my readings, I have yet to encounter any discussion of the role of an employer in assisting a grieving parent. Principles of decency would lead one to expect support and understanding. Such is not always the case, as has been my experience as a state employee.

As a grieving parent, it is hard to describe the lack of decency and sensitivity that I have experienced at my job for 30 of the past 36 months - exhibited primarily by previous and interim administrators and, I would argue, even a state-paid lawyer. In February 1988, I had to hire a lawyer to protect my job.

Remaining in the environment - our home in Blacksburg - of my deceased son has become important to me and my family. My employer has not understood this point and has made our grief process and our lives difficult. I do not wish our experience for any family, let alone one that has lost a child.

by CNB