Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, May 16, 1990                   TAG: 9005160300
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

OLD BENNIE'S A LITTLE TREED OFF

To be truthful, I didn't think you needed a brochure to prune a tree. I thought you only needed a small chain saw.

And, again in the interest of truth, I have to tell the foundation that we are now a little bit over-treed.

Put another way: You can actually hear the photosynthesis going on around our house.

I know the foundation won't like to hear that, but that's the way it is.

We always wanted what real estate persons call "a wooded lot."

We now have the kind of forest Hansel and Gretel got lost in.

Once, I almost called National Geographic to see if it would be interested in a layout on my gutters.

We didn't have any topless native dancers to offer, so I didn't do it.

But we did have the spectacle of a small forest of maple trees growing in the gutters on the back of the house.

I don't want the National Arbor Day Foundation to think that I'm being negative, but it isn't any fun being over-treed.

For example, we have this maple tree that is responsible for the forest that grew in the gutter.

(Just to show off here, those little winged things that fall into the gutter and make trees are called samara.)

This maple made the decision years ago to let all of its roots grow on top of the ground.

It grows on this precipice that makes up our back yard. The unfortunate homeowner - as in yours truly here - who has to mow the grass around this tree slips around on these roots, despite these nifty cleated shoes.

This causes a situation that is not good for the the neighborhood - unless you think that an aged person who curses and falls down a lot is going to raise the value of your real estate.

We also have this crab apple tree that blooms every spring for about 15 minutes and then invites all of these tent caterpillars to makes loathsome nests in its leaves.

I tried getting rid of these horrors one summer and had bad dreams about it. You stick a hole in one those things and you'll know what I mean.

I am now negotiating with the head gardener to authorize a little pruning on this tree - as in cutting the sucker to the ground.

Again, I apologize to the arbor foundation. I don't mean to be rude.

It's just that I am a nervous wreck. Any day now, I expect to go out there and find this gingerbread house.