Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, May 29, 1990 TAG: 9005260122
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: NF1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: TRACY VAN MOORLEHEM STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
The adult myth that children breeze through life playing games without a care in the world is not a true picture of growing up, as any kid knows. Children certainly don't have the same problems that adults have, but that doesn't mean the problems they face are less weighty to them.
They're not.
Kids cry, kids feel sad and kids lie awake at night worrying sometimes.
According to a group of sixth-graders from Jackson Middle School in Roanoke, girls worry more than boys. Girls, they said, worry most about how they look, while boys worry about girls and about impressing other boys with athletic skill or strength.
"Girls always think they've got to impress the boys," said 11-year-old Shannon Dooley. "But boys don't dress up for girls."
"Ya, because boys wait until there's someone special to impress," said Joe Akers, 11. But Akers doesn't think that girls are silly to worry so much about their appearance, he just doesn't like to get dressed up himself.
"It's their business what they do. I just don't care for it," he said.
Sue Lester, 12, said boys don't worry about how they look because they get dirty when they get to school, anyway, "playing in the dirt." Akers agreed.
These observations were exactly what one psychologist has made in her research. Jeannette Haviland from Rutgers University found that starting at the age of 10 girls worry about their appearance more than boys do. Girls convince themselves that they are too tall, too short, or too something else to ever be pretty, when in fact there is nothing wrong with their appearance, she said.
Both boys and girls at Jackson Middle School said that they worry about the opposite sex.
Joe Akers said guys try to impress girls and sometimes end up feeling silly. "If they don't like you, it's pretty embarrassing," he said. "You feel stupid for a while."
Hoa Mai, 13, said she worries a lot about boys because when she especially likes someone it's hard to talk to him. She said most kids ask a friend to make boy/girl negotiations.
Another common problem for kids, the group agreed, is parents, especially in the areas of money and rules.
Mai said her father won't allow her to stay overnight at a friend's house. Pam Harris, 12, said she has to do household chores every day and doesn't like to do them. Shannon Dooley, 11, said she doesn't think her parents are always fair about how they give out chores to kids in the family.
These problems aren't the kind of worries that make life unbearable, they said, but they certainly get in the way of a good day now and then.
"I don't mind doing extra jobs around the house for extra money, but then I don't have time to spend it!" said Akers. He also said it is hard for kids to find jobs outside of the home.
The group agreed, although several of them have or have had in the past jobs such as baby-sitting or lawn mowing.
When problems get them down, the kids said, they do different things to feel better, depending on the problem.
Lester said she likes to talk to her parents. But, she said, even though they mean well, their advice isn't always practical for her life. She said they see the problem out of "adult glasses" and describe a solution that might work in the adult world but not in the kids' world.
"They give you advice and you think, `No way, I could never do that,' " she said.
Mai said she rarely talks to anyone when she's down. "It might not come out the way I want it to," she said.
Harris agreed that sometimes it's best to keep to yourself because as much as a friend or parent might want to make you feel better, they can't, and they might feel bad about it. "It's bad enough worrying about whatever you're already worried about!" she said.
The group said that sometimes they don't like to be on the receiving end, either. When friends talk about a big problem, Akers said, he sometimes wishes he weren't there. "You don't know what to say," he said. "You might mess up."
The group came up with two ways to handle such a problem: Suggest to the person with the problem that they see the school counselor, or just listen to the problem and at least show that you care, even if you can't solve it.
Akers said that he thinks most kids follow the same rule as far as deciding whom to talk to about a problem: They go to parents for problems with adults and adult situations and to kids for kid problems such as girl/boy embarrassments and problems with other kids.
"But girls talk to their friends a lot more than guys do," he said.
by CNB