Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, June 19, 1990                   TAG: 9006190017
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

US OLD PEOPLE WOULD RATHER SEE IT LIKE IT IS

I am qualified as an old person, and I say the hell with that.

I have spent some hours researching such pictures, and those of us who hurt everywhere over our bodies are pictured as happy people who don't look their ages.

I didn't look as good as these people do when I was 39.

There is this one picture of what seems to be a grandmother and grandfather gardening with a granddaughter.

The older folks are laughing and showing perfectly wonderful teeth. You can tell they never smoked or chewed Nicorette.

I don't know why they are laughing. If I were all scrooched over like that in a flower garden, I would be worrying about how I was going to get up.

And the granddaughter ought to be worried, too. It hurts when your grandfather falls down on you - although this guy isn't as vast as yours truly here.

This couple apparently has every part of the body that tends to sag with age nipped and tucked and attended to in general.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't rule out liposuction here.

If these people had any trouble getting down the steps the morning this picture was taken, they don't show it.

This, of course, may be the result of a couple of vodka-and-orange-juice shooters. In fact, these two old persons seem to be very, very happy.

No, I do not recommend vodka and orange juice to help anybody get down, or up, the steps in the morning. This is mere old-person speculation on my part and should not be taken seriously.

What I am serious about is my resentment of all these people my age who look so much better than I do.

I mean, you take that clown in the flower garden. What's he got that I haven't got except for a pretty face and good body?

You think it's any fun getting down in a flower garden and wondering how you're going to get up without losing your dignity?

What kind of lives have these people led?

Haven't they ever had a knee operation that nearly killed them?

And that's another thing. Don't ever bring your grandchildren into your flower garden because they'll tear it right up before your very eyes.

And it'll make you feel like falling down on the little wretches, and then you'll have guilt problems, which you don't need when your shoulder hurts like that.