Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, June 23, 1990                   TAG: 9006230022
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

AND NOW, BENNIE'S TIPS ON SURVIVING THE FOURTH

Most of them are pretty simple.

They deal with avoiding death on the highway, by fireworks, by drowning or other ways.

It is my duty to add to these hints.

My suggestions have nothing to do with loss of life, and they follow:

It is, I feel, very important to avoid, if possible, any version of a family picnic. If you have to attend one of these, make sure that you do not make a hog of yourself and then take the bloat, turn red and fall over.

I know people whose lives have been ruined forever at family picnics.

You know. Poor Terence does take the bloat, turn red and fall over, and then his wife says, "I'm leaving you, you airheaded slob. I've never been so embarrassed in my life, with Uncle Elmo being there and all."

Terence tries to explain that every time he gets around his wife's Uncle Elmo, he becomes a compulsive eater because Uncle Elmo always says, "I hear you're still in that dead-end job of yours. Pity."

Truth be told, Terence adds, he thinks of drowning Uncle Elmo every day, not just on the Glorious Fourth.

Next Fourth of July, he'll be living in a tent while the wife and kids are living it up on this big wad of money Uncle Elmo left them in the will.

It is especially important this year to stay away from any discussion or argument over the proposed flag-burning amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

You cannot win this one. You either get called a "left-wing pinko" or a "red-necked storm trooper."

Such discussions, we might add here, may also lead to those kinds of injuries you get from fist fights.

If you stay at home, you have a good chance to avoid death on the highway or by drowning.

But I haven't put in all this time in this vale of tears for nothing, and I tell you that the home is the best place for a real nasty Fourth of July argument.

I think that this is true because this is a weird holiday that comes in the middle of the week a lot and makes people feel and act funny.

Last Fourth of July at our house, we got into an argument when I asked my helpmate if we were having potato salad in the best American tradition.

She said no. She said she didn't want me taking the bloat, turning red and falling over, even if I did stay home where decent people couldn't see me and get sick.

We had an all-day argument and broccoli for supper, which meant I lost.