Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, June 28, 1990                   TAG: 9006270297
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

YOU'RE NUTS IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO SHOW THIS TO THE DRIVER

As some of you know, I have done this before and it gets embarrassing.

Like most people, I tend to become sarcastic when I am embarrassed and I said:

"I don't know what came over me. Breaking the rule again. It is a base human being you see before you.

"Don't tell the children I don't want them to know their male parent could be as decadent as that.

"I don't deserve to live. Give me a kitchen knife that I may plunge it into my worthless breast."

"Knock it off and get legal," the greatest station wagon driver of them all said. "You had so many hanging up, you couldn't get through the side door."

"Good gravy," I said. "Imagine that. Old dumb and rotten me holding up progress or whatever it is that comes through the side door."

I know how to promote the domestic tranquility, however, and I soon became legal again - three caps hanging on the rack, including the genuine American Red Cross working model that says "Knowing Mowing" on it.

This cap speaks of the American way and the qualities that have made this country great.

It is sweat-stained and its bill has been marked by hands dirtied in willing, honest labor.

When you put it on you can hear "America the Beautiful" playing somewhere.

I don't care if the driver says it is a health hazard and has threatened to report it to the Environmental Protection Agency.

I don't know whether it was the embarrassment or not, but I got smart alecky and drew up a local ordinance on caps:

"LOCAL ORDINANCE 567-00098: PERTAINING TO CAPS AND THE HANGING IN PUBLIC THEREOF:

"No person shall hang, or cause to be hung, more than three (3) caps on the hanger beside the side door so as to avoid any impediment to commerce through said door.

"Provided, however, that the hanger of the caps shall have the choice of which three (3) caps shall be hung thereon and shall not be subject to questioning in any other place pursuant to such choice.

"Punishment for violation of said ordinance shall be, but not limited to, four (4) hours of lectures on neatness in the home and unfettered ingress and egress thereto."

You're asking if I am going to show the driver this ordinance?

Are you nuts, pally?

The driver hates smart alecks and I'd kind of like to be around for the 39th anniversary.