Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, July 3, 1990 TAG: 9007030015
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I got off to a very good start one afternoon last week.
I got out of my non-air-conditioned Jeep at home and broke into song.
In the old days, I would have thrown my Thermos jug on the ground, engaged in some colorful language and tried to find the cat for purposes of kicking this unfortunate animal.
I don't remember what I was singing. The first stages of heat prostration tend to make my memory bad.
I entered the non- air-conditioned house and turned on the Weather Channel.
I laughed when the local forecast was for hot, humid weather with a 20 percent chance of thunderstorms.
"Ah," I said as my helpmate entered the kitchen,"hot enough for you is it? Ha. Ha.
"You know what I always say: Give me those hazy, lazy days of summer and I'll sweat you a river. Ha. Ha."
My feet were burning up, my shirt was a miserable wad of damp cloth and my vision was coming and going.
"Well," I said, "let's change into something comfortable and really enjoy this nice weather while we have it.
"We'll wish we had it back next January. Right?"
I went upstairs, where the temperature regularly gets slightly below the heat range required for making steel.
"Boy," I said, "nothing like a little heat to get the old blood flowing."
I was going to say something else equally cheerful and original, but I lost my train of thought when I fainted briefly.
When I came to, I was wearing my yellow shorts and a yellow T-shirt.
I don't remember putting them on. I have better taste than to mix two shades of yellow when I am conscious.
Before I lost consciousness again, I changed into a red T-shirt and, after reviving, I went downstairs.
My helpmate stifled a scream when she saw the yellow shorts and red T-shirt, but she is a woman who can get control of herself in a hurry.
She did this despite the fact that my white boxer shorts were hanging out of the yellow shorts.
"You know," I said, "it's amazing what we can do if we just set our minds to it. Nothing like a little old-fashioned grin-and-bear-it, eh?"
But in my heart of hearts, I knew I had failed when the cat came by and I kicked it.
Just before I fainted again.
by CNB