Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 12, 1990 TAG: 9008080108
SECTION: PARENTS' GUIDE PAGE: 5 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: SARAH COX
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
"The role of the grandparent is new," said Dr. Jay Mancini, professor of family and child development and head of that department at Virginia Tech. "Three- and four-generation families are a modern phenomenon. All these generations being alive at the same time is recent."
Because many grandparents of today don't have role models from their own childhood, they are as new to this as their children are to parenthood. And many, said Mancini, aren't the stick-by-the-fireplace type.
"The average 70-year-old has the health of a 60-year-old a generation ago. They're in wonderful health, and very much involved in their own lifestyle. They're not sitting around waiting to grandparent. The whole business of grandparents being locked at home and immobile is not necessarily so."
The role each grandparent decides to play depends upon their individual lifestyles, Mancini said, as well as their needs and the needs of their families. He offered two different types of grandparents. A number of older people, he said, see their role as one lacking responsibility. "They don't want to parent again - but what they do want is to be a person who interacts [with children] in a less intense role."
Another type of grandparent crops up in single-parent families, families in which some sort of disruption is occurring, or a situation in which both parents work. The grandparent role may become more significant. They may provide transportation to and from school, for instance, and offer a wonderful support system to families.
Conflicts do arise where the expectations are not in line with the results. The important thing, said Mancini, is to keep communicating and to respect the parent and grandparent role. "There needs to be recognition that the new set of parents are adults in their own right. Older adults forget that their offspring have changed an awful lot - they perceive that child as a child."
Another thought to keep in mind is that the perfect picture of the good old days is a myth. "People have to recognize that the good old days were never as pleasant as we think - we always wax nostalgic, and what we fail to recognize is that there has been a fair amount of change."
This, he said, carries over into many areas of our lives. Marriage, for example: it was just as tough then, but the laws these days make divorce more accessible.
And some words of advice for parents: "Recognize that new grandparents have very little idea of how to play the role. There is ambiguity all around. It can be disappointing if there are certain expectations." Such as the grandparents being distant at first, where the parents pictured them as being nurturing. Or that they would pitch right in and be built-in baby-sitters, when the older generation is still busy with their own vibrant lives.
One grandparent, Lelia Albrecht, reflected on the difference between her role and her mother's role. Both women helped take care of a grandchild. The main difference is that Albrecht's mother didn't work, and didn't have to organize her day around child and work deadlines. "It was all pros, really," Albrecht said. "Except for my work. I work at home, and very shortly after I started having Arden Spencer [the granddaughter] here, I had to regulate everything around her taking naps. But I wouldn't have given up one minute of it. I learned a lot from her; I learned that I had to treat her as a person, but also be aware of my responsibilities in reprimanding her and also trying to guide her to think about what she was doing. I had been used to having the whole day to myself and, suddenly, I was very scheduled."
When asked whether she felt that grandparents ought to be compensated for taking care of grandchildren, she replied: "I think it's for the birds. I can't imagine ever doing it." Her own mother and mother-in-law took care of her child 30 years ago, and she said that she never felt that it was an imposition on either of them. But, she said, it may have been harder on them because her schedule was not regular, and they had to be much more flexible than she has been called upon to be.
When her granddaughter was awake, Albrecht said she tried to make the most of their time together. "The first thing you've got to do is to enjoy them. I enjoyed every minute with her. We always had on public radio; I didn't have cable so we didn't watch TV - one of the big dangers of it is using it as the baby-sitter."
Agnes Reid Jenny, who doesn't remember but one of her own grandparents, said that she didn't have any role models for grandparenting, and she and her husband have never lived near their grandchildren. That has not kept them from indulging in their roles, however. "Being a grandparent is so great, because you can love them to death and then give them back. You don't have that awful feeling of responsibility. You can relax and enjoy them more than you ever could your own. With your own, you always felt on guard or on edge, either discipling or taking care of them."
Jenny said that the important thing, especially for long-distance grandparents, is to keep in touch. "As they get a little older, we try to write or talk to them on the phone. And when the children were very small, we both tried not to jump at them or pick them up right away, because they hadn't seen us in a while."
A couple of tricks to ease young grandchildren back into their lives: Jenny reads to them, because they all like to be read to in their own home. "It's quiet and non-threatening, and they can sit close but not be held if they don't want to. They end up sitting on your lap anyway."
And when they go to visit their grandchildren, they try to take small gifts that they can play with together, like blowing bubbles or flying paper airplanes. "Something to do with them, like books to share together." When grandchildren come to visit, Jenny said they always ask about the toy basket in the basement playroom. "However standoffish they might be, they want to go into the playroom to see if the toys are still here. It makes them seem more at home. The toys are always in the same place."
Mancini said that grandparents are often different in that role than they were as parents. "They are not disciplinarians, but they have the luxury of playing." Jenny, for instance, buys the little boxes of cereal as a treat for her grandchildren - the kind of thing they don't get at home. One grandson loves her bran muffins, so she always has some ready for him when he comes to visit.
"The role of the grandparent is really becoming more of a pivotal role within the family," Mancini said. "It is an opportunity for a good, strong and supportive relationship."
by CNB