Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 12, 1990 TAG: 9008080119
SECTION: PARENTS' GUIDE PAGE: 7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Sara Cox
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
"Nothing can prepare you for some things," said David Mundy, the father of a 4-year old and a 1-year old. "After the baby is born and you're sitting there looking at it, you have all these emotions at once. You don't really think about the baby until you touch it and feel it. You don't feel like a father until the baby is born."
And sometimes, nothing can prepare you for homecoming with junior. One Roanoke pediatrician warned that a baby will take all the energy at first. The mother is physically drained, her hormone levels are dropping, and she doesn't respond as she once did emotionally. The father may feel left out.
To avoid these conflicts, pediatricians give some common sense advice. It's important for the mother and father to make time for each other. Father's role is ambiguous; it's a stressful time in the marriage, and new parents should try to spend individual time with each other, without the baby. It's OK to have a baby-sitter. It's important for the mother and father to have outings, and for the mother to get out once a week.
Every mother and father has a story to tell, but there seems to be a common edge of fear about being left alone with a 2-day old infant in the house.
"I remember him sleeping a lot and thanking God he was sleeping because I didn't know what to do when he woke up," said Janelle Mundy about her first-born son. "It was much more of an emotional adjustment with the first one. I cried a lot, and was emotionally and physically drained. Being up all night will wear you out."
Mothers tell stories of being afraid to go take a shower, or throw in a load of laundry. They would sit by the sleeping infant, just to make sure he was still breathing. Laundry piles up that way.
The Mundys, as well as many parents, arrange for help to greet them at the door when they bring the baby home. Defining the helper's role is essential. They are there, not to take care of the baby, but to do other things in the house so mom can devote her energy to bonding, breastfeeding, etc., especially if she's had a Caesarean section.
"Mom vacuumed, did laundry, cooked and did dishes - she was basically a live-in maid, and on top of that, she wallpapered the dining room for me," said Janelle.
Establishing a routine is important, but not at once. Janelle said she tried to do the housework when her baby slept, "but it's important to do something with the sibling, be it playing a game or reading a book. And it's hard to do with five loads of laundry sitting there, dirty dishes and having to go to the grocery store.
"It's so hard to say when a routine takes effect. The baby doesn't get on a schedule for at least two months."
Preparation can begin before the baby is even born. While an expectant mother grows large, the father looks on. But, said David, he can do more than that.
"Lamaze class was one of the best things we ever did," he said. "The most important thing was understanding what's happening, what [Janelle] was going through and what to expect at birth. Until then, you expect what you see on television, and it's not that easy. You get a real understanding."
He said that going to the sonogram helped him realize that the baby was real. "It's the first real feeling you get that there's a baby there."
But there's the long months ahead, often without sonograms, until the moment of birth.
He spoke of the moments following the birth as if it had happened yesterday.
"Once the baby's born and you're counting fingers and toes and the doctor says it's healthy, you have this burst of joy. I cut the [umbilical] cord. If anyone has the opportunity, that's something you never forget. It's kind of the final thing to give the baby life.
"You're there helping your wife during childbirth, she's doing all the work, and at the end you're part of the process. It made me feel much closer to the baby - that, and holding it right afterwards."
To help dad become an immediate part of the routine, David thinks that holding, rocking and giving baby a bottle do the trick.
"Feeding time gave me an opportunity to bond with the baby. That, and rocking him to sleep. That's the man's time to bond with the child."
When son No. 2 came home, David said he spent a great deal more time with his eldest, and let his wife care for the infant.
"I was so concerned about not being able to love another child as much as Austin [the older son]. That scared me; that, and alienating Austin."
Pediatrician Dr. Douglas Althouse said this feeling is common.
"You've had the first one a number of years - bonding doesn't occur overnight," he said, citing the thousands and thousands of hours parents have already spent with their eldest. Often, he said, parents feel guilty about displacing the child, and question whether they will have enough energy and love for both.
"I tried to spend a lot of time with Austin, and tried to ease him and me into it," said David. The second time around was easier from a routine standpoint, he said, in that they already knew what to expect when the baby came home.
"I think fathers go through a period, up to the birth, when they start to cram things. I tried to get out and play more golf, or go to the Coffee Pot, because once the baby comes your hands are tied."
Case in point, he said, was where he was found both times his wife went into labor. With the first child, she called him away from a poker game at 11:30 p.m. With the second son, she went into labor while he was on the golf course trying out a new driver. He still tries to follow the doctor's advise and get out.
"If you don't do it, you'll go crazy, because you start to feel chained down to the house and baby," he said. "You need to compromise, if one feels that way."
by CNB