Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, July 14, 1990 TAG: 9007140006
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I'll tell you what I think. I think they're androids put here by some superior, probably extra-terrestrial, intelligence to spy on us.
I do not think your normal human being can wear a suit and tie in the weather we've been having without getting crazy and/or falling over.
This also goes for these women who put on anklets and running shoes and power walk when the humidity is 100 percent and the temperature is 96. Never notice any of them sweating, do you?
I kind of hate to think about any Virginia woman being an android, but you never can tell.
OK. Maybe it was the heat that made me think I overheard one of these guys on the City Market arguing about being beamed up with somebody I couldn't see.
The only kind of pedestrian I trust in this kind of weather is a slob like myself.
That is to say, an individual who can wring water out of his tie and whose trousers have slipped down over his waist in a disgusting way.
You ever see an android wearing its britches like that? You bet you haven't.
This is a very hot individual who has lost all interest in his personal appearance and has no sense of values. His roll-on wore off by 10 a.m.
He has what some would call a depraved look in his eye and his gray, naturally curly hair looks like a fright wig.
This latter condition has been caused by a wind that feels like it is coming from a blow dryer.
These android types have hair that no wind touches and their eyes look very cheerful.
They are the type of people who, wearing swim trunks instead of suits, fall backward into great big pools of iced tea during television commercials.
You can tell from the expression on their faces that their feet are not burning up in their wing-tipped shoes.
You can also tell they will all go home, put on a pair of Members Only shorts, and barbecue things until the sun goes down.
My type goes home very hot and would kill anybody who suggested he do any barbecuing in weather like that.
I suspect our android drinks bottled water.
I know our man drinks bourbon and tap - and easy on the tap.
Go ahead. Ignore these guys and say I've been driven crazy by the heat.
But if this hot weather keeps up, I'd advise you to set your phasers on stun.
by CNB