Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, July 21, 1990                   TAG: 9007210007
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THANK GOD IT CAME FULLY ASSEMBLED

I don't know much about this telescope, but I think it was supposed to be able to see at least as far as that barrier the Starship Enterprise went through in one of those "Star Trek" sequels.

For all I know, it might have been designed to pick out a few of those Green Orion Slavegirls Capt. James T. Kirk used to fool around with.

And, speaking of the Enterprise, don't forget the time the transporter got busted.

I know how the people who bought the telescope feel.

You know that when it was delivered, they all gathered around and were too excited to pay any attention to the owner's manual. Or, I suspect, the wording of the limited warranty.

They were just as proud as they could be and they probably thought it smelled like a new car. They probably patted its lenses.

I hate to suggest this, but maybe it required some assembly, and somebody put a cotter key in wrong or something.

Same thing happened to me with my new lawn mower - although it came fully assembled, which was a very good thing.

It was supposed to mow the universe, but on the second pass across the back yard, it lost a crucial bolt and the rear height-adjustment structure fell apart.

This is not a pretty thing to watch.

A lot of people laughed at me and my lawn mower.

"Ha. Ha," they said. "There goes Old Bennie, who can't get his rear height-adjustment structure to function properly."

They fixed the lawn mower for me and the rear height- adjustment structure hasn't failed for three mowings. But, you don't forget a thing like that.

I was real proud of the gasoline-powered trimmer I got, until the string started disappearing into the end of it for no apparent reason.

This is the first time I've mentioned this, because a person my age can take only so much abuse.

I still don't know why the string disappears into the end of this thing. I don't think I want to know.

While I'm in a confessing mood, I will also mention the garden cart that required a lot of assembling.

I got the wheels on it wrong and one of them rubs the side of the cart.

I have enough faith in American ingenuity to believe that the Hubble Telescope will be repaired, just like my lawn mower, and that it will see what it is supposed to see.

I hope it gets a real good shot of a Green Orion Slavegirl.