Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, July 24, 1990 TAG: 9007240025
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I don't mind Bruce shooting things up. I do hate spiders. I found one in the tub and screamed for hours.
These movies brought back my latent urge to write a movie of my own.
Mine begins on a street that Freddie Krueger would have loved.
John, played by Patrick Swayze, is a quiet homebody who joys in his vegetable garden.
His wife, Boom-Boom, played by Madonna, is known on the block as the broad who wears her underwear on the outside.
One day, John - who has alienated a lot of neighbors by insisting that they share in his squash crop - is tending his garden and this really big spider bites him.
Swayze calls for his wife and starts to black out.
She is washing her undies and singing this song called `'Papa Don't Preach," and doesn't hear him.
John stumbles across the street to his neighbor's house where the neighbor's wife, Trixie, played by Sigourney Weaver, befriends him and they, well,er, um, you know how that goes in these movies.
I know this is probably unnecessary, but you've got to have a little sex in any movie these days, and this gives us the opportunity to show off Swayze's build - within the limits of decency, of course.
I am an admirer of Ms. Weaver, and you can forget about her showing off her build in any movie I write.
What nobody, including Trixie, guesses is that John is turning into a large, disgusting spider. I know this sounds a little bit like those "The Fly" movies, but everybody steals a little bit these days. Not only that, he becomes a spider able to operate several assault rifles at the same time and before supper time, much of the neighborhood has been blown away.
The casualties will not include Ms. Weaver for the reason noted above.
The ending of this movie is really great.
Madonna, wearing a bustier, is peeling potatoes at the sink and singing snatches of her new song, "Vogue."
Swayze, AKA the Big Spider, blows her away in mid-peel.
A neighborhood survivor, who has seen a lot of horror movies, rushes in and shoots the spider with a silver bullet.
He falls to the floor and, in death, gets his really great build back.
The neighbors who are left all gather around and give thanks that Swayze won't ever plant squash again.
by CNB