Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, July 25, 1990                   TAG: 9007250028
SECTION: VIRGINIA                    PAGE: B/1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ed Shamy
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

A FEW DECREES: STOP TOWER; SEAL BORDER

Ed, they said, because that is my name, it has become obvious that you belong in the seat of power.

Taylor is Mayor Taylor. Herbert is City Manager Herbert. They are visiting Kisumu, Kenya, one of Roanoke's sister cities.

Being a sister city of Roanoke is the kiss of death for stable places. Wonju, South Korea, is our other sister city. South Korea and Kenya are known for political rioting, car bombings and university students who place no value whatsoever on human life, property or gun control.

But hey, who are we to tell Noel Taylor or Bob Herbert where to vacation?

Some people like to read pulp novels on the beach. Others like to crawl two miles on their bellies at night, wincing from the pain of shrapnel wounds, evading crazed students who try to hit anything with a pulse with Iraqi-made ground-to-air missiles.

Taylor gave me his gavel, Herbert handed over his stapler. They put on their pith helmets and left.

Today marks the fifth of 14 days of my administration. I have huddled with my closest advisers and arrived at some policy decisions:

Effective immediately, work shall halt on the Dominion Tower building. I want that viaduct reassembled. If you were dumb enough to actually buy a piece of the 'duct, give it back. We're going to need it. And I want all those antique dealers back in the A&P. If you bought something at fire-sale prices, please even up with the dealer as soon as he or she gets resituated.

Effective immediately, there shall be a pooper-scooper law in effect. Any dog caught discharging on the public right of way shall be captured and sold to Virginia Tech for laboratory experimenting. Offending dogs' owners shall be captured and sold to the University of Virginia for laboratory experimenting.

Effective immediately, the following city offices will be closed forever, their staff members reassigned to dog- and dog-owner capturing duty: building inspection (I ought to be able to use bamboo for plumbing if I want to); assessor (nobody likes them); schools (calm down, calm down - only those schools with odd-numbered street addresses will be closed).

Effective immediately, money saved by closing these offices will be used to buy razor wire, electric fencing, concrete, and 2,000 bull mastiff dogs. If consolidation is going to fail, I don't want to share the city's amenities with Roanoke County. We're sealing the border.

Effective immediately, Roanoke issues its own license plate: Red background, yellow letters, picture of me in the middle and the slogan: Not Even Close to Eagle Rock.

Effective immediately, we sell Mill Mountain to Hyatt Regency and Chick-Fil-A, use the money to buy a B-2 Stealth bomber, and do away once and for all with the dreaded Hayward, Calif., America's 176th largest city.

Effective immediately, we commission a Mount Rushmore-like sculpture on the side of Tinker Mountain. Faces are up for discussion, but I'd like the decision made by the time Mayor Taylor and City Manager Herbert return.