
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, July 26, 1990                   TAG: 9007260017
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THIS SURVEY BUSINESS IS OUT OF HAND

Several medical experts have told us recently that men who wear their neckties too tight are in for big trouble.

You do that, buster, and you cut down on your circulation, which fouls up your body cooling processes. While you're picking out some tomatoes on the market, you'll faint into the sweet corn.

A tie also cuts down on the flow of blood to the brain and then you can't think right.

That must have been what happened to me when I started reading these Ann Landers' columns recently.

Ann has been writing about cross-dressing and she had two entire columns on men and women taking showers together.

What happened, you have to wonder, to all those ordinary people who once wrote Ann saying their in-laws were free-loading slobs who stole the silver when they came to dinner?

I obviously was suffering from poor circulation when I read about this new study on sex.

I mean, that's what this country really needs. One more study on sex.

This University of Florida survey showed that people who get violent with each other - excuse me for getting all red here - have sex more often.

I don't know what all this means. I don't know why you have to have a survey to see how often people do that.

I don't care if these people punch out each other's lights every other night.

We did find out, however, that income, education, race and place of residence have nothing to do with the frequency of, well, you know.

I can't tell you what possible value this finding would have, however.

In the interest of averting what could well turn into a national orgy, I propose that we loosen our ties and just forget about sex for a while.

Ann Landers should print some of those letters in which people tell warm and loving stories and avoid ones about guys who show up for breakfast wearing nice little pinafores.

Some university can do a study on how many Little Debbie cakes guys like me eat while we are watching television or how often we fall down while mowing our lawns.

I don't know what good this would do, either, except it would get the country's mind off of sex for awhile.

I'll tell you one thing, mowing a lawn like mine is a good way to get your mind off everything except personal survival.

Let's just seize the day and say no to sex.

Why is it that I have this awful feeling that somebody out there is doing a study that will tie Little Debbie cakes to sex?

by CNB