Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, July 29, 1990 TAG: 9007310306
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV1 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: MARGARET CAMLIN NEW RIVER VALLEY BUREAU
DATELINE: CHRISTIANSBURG LENGTH: Long
He now realizes he cannot make his father quit - that's his father's decision. And, thanks in part to a support group offered at Christiansburg High School, he is learning not to blame himself.
"I kept a lot of stuff bottled up for many years," said Mark, who did not want his real name used for fear of jeopardizing his father's job. "I don't want to spend my life trying to be not like my dad, but just trying to be me."
It is estimated that one of every four or five children lives with an alcoholic parent. This means as many as five or six in a school classroom.
Some New River Valley school systems are beginning to reach out to children of alcoholics, offering support groups or discussions geared to their needs in health and drug abuse prevention lessons.
In Montgomery County, support groups at Christiansburg High, Christiansburg Middle, Auburn High and Auburn Middle schools were offered last year. Their stated purpose was to prevent drug and alcohol abuse, says Sharon Hubbard, an adolescent specialist with the New River Valley Community Services Board's Substance Abuse Services.
But Hubbard, who led the four groups, says that practically every teen-ager who signed up to participate has grown up with alcoholism in his or her family. The students talked more about coping with the chaos and unpredictability of life at home than about their own temptations with alcohol or drugs.
Feelings of despair, inadequacy and hopelessness are common among children of alcoholics.
And the statistics are discouraging. Some estimates predict 50 percent eventually will become alcoholics themselves or marry an alcoholic. While there may be a genetic tendency toward alcoholism (that question isn't settled yet), environment does make a difference.
"The family dynamic encourages substance abuse," says Kathy Kenley, a prevention specialist with the board's Community Education and Prevention Services.
"Children of alcoholics may have to come home and cook dinner and take care of their brothers and sisters because the parent is drunk," she said. "They learn to cover up - they don't develop good problem-solving skills."
Jane, a 14-year-old at Auburn Middle School, says she is trying hard to resist pressures from both her brother and her mother to smoke marijuana. Her mother is an alcoholic.
"They wouldn't leave me alone unless I tried it," she told others in her Auburn support group in May.
Hubbard and others in the group tried to help Jane strengthen her resolve. "It's good to set your ways and not change them," advised another 14-year-old girl.
Children of alcoholics come to the attention of school staff for a variety of reasons - "from grades, to relationships with a boyfriend or girlfriend, to fights, to skipping," said Robert Whytal, director of student services in Pulaski County.
Whytal says he has found that many youngsters who are having problems at school in Pulaski County are living with alcoholism at home.
"Once you start asking the questions - as you start working with kids, it becomes obvious," he said. "But if you don't have the right questions to ask, you may think it's a discipline problem."
A parent's alcoholism is the "hidden factor" beneath many children's problems, Whytal believes. "It's a touchy issue with parents, but at the same point in time, it's a devastating issue for kids. And if we don't address it, there's the potential for misdiagnosis."
Alan, a 16-year-old Christiansburg High School student who asked that his real name not be used, grabbed his father's shotgun last spring and headed for the woods.
He sat with the gun in his mouth for several hours until deciding it would be stupid to kill himself, he told Hubbard.
Alan's alcoholic father had promised he would quit drinking if Alan made good grades.
So Alan hit the books last winter and made all A's and B's - his best report card ever. But when he showed the report card to his father, "he just threw it down and walked off," Alan told others in his support group.
Hubbard and several teen-agers in the group tried to persuade Alan to be proud of his hard work and good grades despite his father's continuing rejection.
Bargaining with an alcoholic parent to stop drinking never works, Hubbard says. It is a sad waste of emotional energy.
Teen-agers should focus their time and energy on school work, on growing up and developing friendships and not on trying to cure an alcoholic's disease.
Pulaski County High School last year offered a support group for "COAs" led by a substance abuse counselor, and will do so again this year. There also are plans for a support group at Pulaski Middle School. And the high school has opened its doors this summer to a weekly Alateen group.
Radford schools don't offer support groups, but instead address the needs of children of alcoholics in both health and drug abuse prevention classes, according to Assistant Superintendent Virginia East.
Students are taught "that it's not their fault that their parents are drinking," East said. "That's the important thing." Such children are also taught coping skills and self-esteem building skills, she says.
Last spring, counselors from Montgomery County, Pulaski County, Radford and other school systems in Virginia and North Carolina attended an intensive, all-day conference on children of alcoholics at St. Albans Psychiatric Hospital near Radford.
Whytal initiated the conference, inviting Claudia Black, a psychologist and author, to help school counselors learn to identify such children and understand their problems and special needs.
Teachers often can identify young children of alcoholics because "they come to classrooms tired, worried and guilty," Black said at the conference. The children are often late - especially on Monday mornings - and they may be dressed inappropriately for the weather.
Young children of alcoholics often complain of stomach aches and other psychosomatic ailments, she said. And they often are so distracted by problems at home that they have trouble concentrating and learning at school.
When a parent is an alcoholic, the child is abandoned emotionally, Black said. "The primary caretaker is not there on a consistent basis for children."
This abandonment can be every bit as devastating as physical abuse, she said. "There's little or no emotional intimacy, nurturing, hugging, positive touching. You're in the way, not wanted."
Children of alcoholics learn to become doormats for others, Black told the counselors. They learn that it's never safe to say no to an alcoholic parent, so they find it difficult to say no later on as an adult.
The children internalize their parent's unrealistic expectations of themselves and become perfectionists, she said.
Compulsive behavior - eating, working, gambling - or drug or alcohol abuse are common among adult children of alcoholics because of their early abandonment and resulting feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Sociologists, researchers and substance abuse professionals have identified several "survivor roles" that children of alcoholics assume to keep their families in balance. Generally speaking, they fall into the following categories: the "hero," often the oldest child; the "rebel," the "clown," the "lost child" and the "caretaker."
The roles are defense mechanisms that mask the children's true feelings, Black and other experts say. The "hero" often is the teacher's pet - always striving to excel and win approval. Within the family, this child often takes care of younger siblings.
The "rebel" tends to make trouble, blame others and break rules. At home, this child's disruptive behavior diverts attention from the alcoholic. The "clown" tends to be funny or distracting, seeking attention from the teacher and other children. At home, this child also diverts attention from the alcoholic.
The "lost child" is quiet and withdrawn, with few, if any, friends. And the "caretaker" tends to focus on helping others feel better, acting in a motherly manner to other children, Black says.
Black advises counselors and teachers to help children of alcoholics feel good about themselves from day to day.
"You can help them to see they have choices, with what to wear, who they play with," for instance, she said. "They need adults in life to help them problem solve, to say they are of value."
Many of the children have intense, deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, and they need validation at school. It is crucial to be willing to listen and to provide an atmosphere of emotional security in the classroom, Black said.
Substance Abuse Services has proposed a plan to create support groups in Shawsville and Blacksburg high schools, to offer short-term groups for "high-risk youth" at all elementary and middle schools and nightly counseling sessions for families throughout the county, Hubbard said. A decision on the plan has not yet been made.
There is money available for such programs. The school system is to receive $50,351 in federal "Drug Free Schools" money for the coming school year. Montgomery County's CADRE has recommended that $25,000 of it be allocated for family counseling, Hubbard said, but no decision has been made on how the money will be spent.
"We encourage the schools to develop programs for high-risk students," said Rayna Turner, the state Department of Education's special projects coordinator for youth risk prevention. Children of alcoholics are definitely part of this high-risk group, she said.
\ WHERE TO GET HELP
\ Adult Children of Alcoholics: Meets Sundays, 7:30 p.m., Luther Memorial Lutheran Church, Toms Creek and Prices Fork roads; Saturdays, 10-11:30 a.m., Cooper House, Washington Street, Blacksburg.
\ Al-Anon and Alateen: Meetings throughout the New River Valley. Call RAFT, 382-1738, for times and locations.
\ New River Valley Community Services Board: 382-8835.
\ National Association for Children of Alcoholics: 35182 Coast Highway, Suite B, South Laguna, Calif. 92677; (714) 499-3889.
\ National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence: 12 W. 21st St., New York, N.Y. 10010; (212) 206-6770.
\ Children of Alcoholics Foundation: 200 Park Ave., 31st Floor, New York, N.Y. 10166; (212) 351-2680.
\ National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information: P.O. Box 2345, Rockville, Md. 20852; (301) 468-2600.
by CNB